Is it okay to give advice to friends about their relationships?
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Respecting personal boundaries in friendships and intimate relationships may be more important than formal communication. After all, are you less likely to tell your friend that her $1, 000 cosmetic facelift was a waste of money? And perhaps there is no desire to moralize a friend who spends a lot of time on social networks — after all, this is entirely his own business.
Contents of the article:
Silence is golden
But in friendship there is often a strong desire to express what we really think about the behavior of our peers. If you don”t like your boyfriend”s new hobby, it”s best to keep your opinions to yourself. Even if you and your friend are used to discussing all issues honestly and openly. Being overly critical of his or her new lover will only damage your friendship,” advises New York psychotherapist Alena Gerst.
It”s better to wait until they break up. Then you can tell your friend that her new boyfriend is an irresponsible clown and not cut out for a relationship.
Violence in relationships: when you can’t remain silent
However, as with all rules, there are exceptions. Talk about whether your girlfriend is suffering from physical or mental abuse. In this case, you should voice your concerns immediately. Always be in touch to help a friend or acquaintance if necessary,” advises Gerst.
How do you know if your loved one is in trouble? First of all, it can be surprising how difficult it is to approach your girlfriend — especially if she”s your friend or acquaintance. For example, before we started hanging out all the time, we loved to have fun at parties and go shopping. You can”t get her out of the house.
This situation in itself is unhealthy. But rapists often resort to this practice. So they try to exert more control over the victim,” says Gerst. If in doubt, it”s best to ask directly. Don”t be afraid to embarrass your friend or make a fool of yourself in her eyes. Abuse is much more common than we thought, so it”s better to play it safe and find all the information you need.”
Read also: 15 effective tips on how to save a relationship
Unfortunately, sooner or later a crisis comes in any relationship. It”s a terrible feeling. You see how you made a small brick and it collapses.
The danger of giving advice
There is folk wisdom. People are looking for advice to do the opposite. Or they follow this recommendation, but blame the consultant for everything. One such example is given below.
Every week my friend complained to me about problems with her boyfriend. One day she showed me a six-page farewell letter that she wrote to him with tears in her eyes. At that moment it became clear to her that it was time to end the relationship. But she was afraid to be alone.”
“I made a mistake and gave her seemingly logical advice. Honey, if you have seven reasons to break up and only one reason to stay with this man, it”s time to pack up and leave him.”
Those who like to make comments to others, who are they?!
Therefore, giving advice about relationships means causing direct damage to friendship. If a friend is seeking positive advice about your love life, you can, in principle, give it. However, this should be done with caution.
The best option is leading questions
Alena Gerst explains this. “The best thing to do in this case is to ask the big question. Make sure your girlfriend understands the situation. After all, you don”t know what it”s like to be in her shoes. Even if the most obvious option for her seems to be breaking up, her feelings and thoughts are still inaccessible to you. What if she survives this and does not survive a serious illness, even if she breaks up with her lover? And such things happen.”
Give advice only as a last resort and with reservations
If you do decide to give advice, first make sure that the person is sincerely interested in it. It is also worth stipulating in advance that you are not responsible for the result and are only offering your vision of the situation. After this, the person has the right to make his own decision — follow this advice or develop his own strategy. Tell your boyfriend or girlfriend that you are not in their shoes yet. And you will never be able to fully understand his feelings,” advises psychologist Marie Rand.
And finally, don”t try to make him a priest or a free psychotherapist. I”m discussing out of curiosity, not as an expert. After all, you would want your friend to make an effort to control your personal life, wouldn”t you? So the best thing you can do for your girlfriend is to listen to advice.”
