Trust in relationships: how to take this peak?
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The joy of young children from the world around them and from new acquaintances can be enviable in a positive sense. Children have not yet learned to hide their feelings, be cunning and know how to use language. Adults have problems with this. Once a couple forms, after the romantic phase, trust in a relationship must be earned through effort. Are there ways to simplify and speed up this process? What can be done if trust is lost? Try to understand this article.
Contents of the article:
What is trust?
Let”s start with the basics and look at the concept of trust. This emotion has positive qualities and implies emotional openness to the world and other people. Trust is synonymous with confidence. The bonus is a feeling of peace, tranquility and quiet joy — something that people seek throughout their lives.
The opposite of trust is self-doubt. It has a negative connotation. It is characterized by a wary attitude towards the world and people, tension and lack of joy in life.
If a person is asked to choose, then the answer is obvious — if he is not a masochist, then the choice is based on trust. In practice, however, this is not the case. Many people prefer intimacy, uncertainty and mistrust. It makes people suffer and fall again and again until they learn to trust and love.
This worldview does not mean that people are willing to harm themselves. Anxiety is acquired rather than innate. Behind this is a fear based on life experiences of being betrayed, rejected or humiliated.
The fear does not seem unfounded. Perhaps people really have sad experiences of betrayal and disappointment. Well, everyone has encountered this. However, we all understand that such feelings cause suffering because they are unnatural to human nature.
On this topic, I remember the dark humor when, at a seminar on personal growth, a girl was asked whether she trusted others? She answered. Yes, I had such an armpit behind me.” (p. 3). Seriously, you can’t see an enemy or a potential traitor in every person. You need to learn to trust someone.
Trust in relationships and trust in others, what”s the difference?
The highest level of trust exists between relatives—parents and children. This includes siblings and grandparents. There”s always unlimited credit for relatives. Some families may experience genuine hostility, but this is the exception rather than the rule.
However, human nature is such that sooner or later, the chicks leave the nest and build their own. Start a family. Husbands and wives aren”t natives, but they live under the same roof. They always have something to share, not just material things: attention, care, love, personal space, fidelity, respect, devotion, role-sharing, generosity, the ability to give, etc.
Devoting time to all of the above is the foundation of trust. At the same time, both must recognize that they must act with indifference, transcend their own interests, and stop viewing their partner as an object for satisfying their personal needs. In short, it”s a tremendous amount of work, which becomes even more difficult at the end of the romantic phase of a relationship, when the “chemistry of love” wears off. In essence, partners, not just spouses, are putting their lives in each other”s hands. And not only their personal well-being depends on each other, but also on their spouses. This imposes additional responsibilities.
Trusting others makes everything much easier. Even close friends can”t be compared to husbands and wives. Remember, you don”t share your life or raise your children with friends or colleagues. Therefore, intimate relationships with other people never reach the depth that can be experienced in marriage.
Reasons for mistrust
Reasons for mistrust
- Indeed, everyone has been betrayed, humiliated, and abandoned at some point in their lives. Some of these experiences are more common than others. Therefore, the level of trust/mistrust varies. However, when a person decides to start a family, there must be confidence in their partners. Otherwise, the whole point is lost.
Initially, this confidence is provided by the hormones of love. But then a person becomes aware of their feelings and begins to look more closely at the bigger picture. If this isn”t their first relationship and there”s already been a betrayal with another person, their current partner begins to look for flaws, weaknesses, and potential trouble spots.
Read also:
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The relationship will begin to escalate, and perhaps your partner will react. This behavior is explained by personal fears caused by the experience. In any case, it will impact the current relationship.
While one can talk endlessly about forgiveness, it”s not true that if your partner has been cheated on once, it won”t happen a second or third time. However, there are objective reasons for maintaining a relationship. These include the years spent together, children, and property. A partner hesitates to destroy a work of art due to the weakness of their partner.
Naturally, there”s no need to talk about trust if the secret has become reality. It happens that both partners cheat on each other. If it”s a passing infatuation, it can be restored, but if it happens systematically or if you”ve been in a relationship with your lover for several years, trust is unlikely to be restored.
Insecurities.
- Everyone has insecurities. However, there are cases of genuine searching. For such a person, it”s very difficult. In the second half, his neurosis manifests itself less precisely, which is partly true, but the fear of displeasing, of doing or saying the wrong thing, is also present. A person can”t live in constant stress.
Note that for notorious people, the reason for their mistrust is almost always imaginary. They may interrogate with enviable regularity, make excuses to loved ones, or be jealous of every lamppost. They perceive the world this way not because their partner”s behavior was provocative, but simply because they perceive the world this way, with suspicion and capriciousness.
A person may find it difficult to trust someone because they themselves are pathological liars and traitors. They judge everything for themselves, as the ancient Greeks said: “Man is the measure of all things.” If they think poorly of another, it means they are not themselves. They perceive the world as a mirror reflecting their vision, their projection.
Incidentally, not all people are innocent; they are prone to committing bad deeds. In some cases, deception and betrayal are the norm, and in response, they see nothing good in themselves or others.
Jealousy is a normal emotion. But there is also justified and healthy jealousy. And sometimes it is completely unfounded. It is pathological. It is rooted in one”s own insecurities and fears.
Confident men know how to suppress these feelings because they know that a traitor always has an alternative. Pathologically jealous men are afraid of losing their significant other because they lack self-confidence and are afraid that they will never find someone better.
How to create trust in a relationship? | Andrey Kurpatov | kt on line
How to learn to trust
How to learn to trust
When betrayal occurs, trust is undermined, but there is a desire to preserve the relationship for various reasons — the pain must be experienced together with the partner, and not alleviated. This means a momentary weakening, and not a regular attack.
Trying to muffle an attack or hide it will lead to nothing, but waiting for the right moment will allow you to be attacked at the most inopportune moment. Thus, questioning your partner about how it happened and why he/she did it can lead to a frank conversation. In this way, he/she calms his/her soul and releases emotions.
Naturally, here he didn’t get off with one shot. However, there are doubts and uncertainty. But over time this can be overcome.
Work on yourself.
- If you understand that there are no objective reasons for your disbelief, but it is still present, you need to look for the answer yourself. It is not recommended to start a new relationship earlier than a year or two in order to overcome negative experiences. Give your nervous system time to rest.
Every person has complexes, but if one of them is really holding him back in life, he needs to give a real fight and win. To do this, you need to determine what exactly prevents you from falling asleep at night and feeling insecure.
Doubts can only be overcome by honesty and purity of conscience. Realize that if you spend your life creating or finding enemies, then your life is wasted. If a person does not learn to love, then even the years he has lived will become worthless. And no matter how much money, cars or yachts he has, he will always be a good person.
Pathological jealousy is not a death sentence. You can always find strength and resources to become better. Many people suffer from self-doubt, so there is no need to be afraid or embarrassed by this fact. Recognizing illness is already the beginning of healing.
It is important to maintain a sense of balance in everything. For example, coping with unhealthy jealousy of oneself is important, but giving your significant other freedom to communicate with the opposite sex is a big omission.
Learn to love and accept people for who they are. Take selfless actions for your partner from a position of strength rather than service. While there may be a general effect of influencing positions of power through complacency, the motives are diametrically opposed. When a person performs an action from a position of strength, he is driven by a motive — I can do it, it’s not difficult for me, he/she will be pleased, I don’t need anything in return. He did it and forgot. Good deeds usually inspire.
Being helpful is a form of self-flagellation. When a person does a seemingly good deed, but does it for a reason, but with the expectation of getting something in return. In other words, he builds relationships on the commodity-money principle. If he receives nothing, he suffers resentment; if he receives, he suffers the weight of unconscious hypocrisy.
Therefore, the most important element of the quality of trust in a relationship is the ability to give altruistically. This makes a person free and strong.
Overall, trust in a relationship helps a lot. And its roots are not in the partner, but in the person who wants to get it. Naturally, playing with one goal, that is, not getting anything, is not interesting.
All the beauty and complexity lies in mutual cooperation. However, one of the partners can set an example, and the other half will inevitably catch up and reciprocate. After all, trust is the result of a long relationship. If they were able to maintain their pre-children wealth and shared history, then there was the necessary passion and warmth between them. Peak.
Lecture on trust in relationships
