Victim blaming — when the victim of violence is “to blame for everything”
Perhaps not everyone has heard of victim blaming, but the saying “the dog won’t jump up if the bitch doesn’t want to” or the very simple “she asked for it” can be heard much more often. The amazing thing is that many people agree with them.
Contents of the article:
Victim blaming is an accusation that the victim takes full or partial responsibility for the misfortune that happened to them. It is common in society to justify those who raise their hands against women, especially when it comes to domestic violence. As crazy as it sounds, for some reason it”s true. What makes victims feel responsible? How can you convince a person of sound mind and sound memory that he deserves pain, violence or humiliation?
Psychologists, of course, are working on this issue. There are many versions. Let”s try to understand them.
We all come from childhood
Of course, attempts to use force, abuse or violence usually cause the victim to feel resentment, anger, rage and, worst of all, fear, but not guilt. What needs to happen for this cause and effect shift to occur?
We do not consider situations where the situation is repeated with each generation of women in the family. Unfortunately, this is obvious and all too common in certain segments of the population. We are talking about people who come from “normal”, wealthy families and who did not foresee the problem at first glance.
The root of the problem is an impressionable, well-mannered girl who often obeys her parents and other adults and wants to repeat: “It’s my fault!” and you need to look for her in early childhood, when she wants to repeat for all the troubles that happen on her way.
- Dirty dress? Why wasn”t she careful, it was her own fault!
- Fell? It”s her own fault, so be careful!
- Toys taken from the street? You don”t need to carry them with you outside. You need to play with it at home. This is your own responsibility.
- Do you feel sick? It”s my own fault, I need to dress warmer!
There are dozens, if not hundreds, of such examples. Many parents are accustomed to holding their children responsible for things that the child could not influence. Of course, they do this with the best intentions, and not out of malice. They love their children and want the best for them.
However, children develop the habit of taking responsibility for everything that happens to them. This is, of course, a commendable quality. Adults never tire of admiring children who take everything into their own hands and are responsible for their lives.
What happens next?
If the life of an adult child is going well, he is threatened only by neuroses, heart disease and depression. No matter how strange it may sound, this is certainly a successful outcome, because all problems are treated by doctors and psychologists.
Where do these consequences come from? Imagine a child who is used to being responsible for everything. In addition, there are certain messages.
There are so many of these “shoulds”. For some, all these assumptions are just guidelines for a comfortable life in society, but for others, they are a guide to direct behavior. However, if you can still control your own behavior and events in your life (don’t fall, don’t get dirty, dress warmly, don’t get sick), then it is impossible to control others. You influence society, your work team and external situations.
When one of your bosses or parents is right, you cannot always give in to the younger ones and obey the elders. People know it, but you can”t do anything about it. The rule of childhood immunization is very deep. Most often, he does not even understand that the ongoing depression and disappointment that he causes is this discrepancy between the “image” of the model and “how it really is.”
However, as mentioned above, this is not the worst scenario. Sooner or later, a person comes to a psychologist or gradually understands himself, and life somehow returns to normal.
Even worse, next to people who are accustomed to taking full responsibility upon themselves, there appears someone who readily changes his responsibility. This sounds a little confusing, but it”s easy to explain with an example. Imagine a girl who grew up with the idea that she should get married at all.
On the contrary, her husband is the person or parents who decided that someone else is to blame for everything. And they found each other. My husband is having problems at work, getting paid less, or even fired? My wife is responsible! Did he drink Green Devils last night? It”s my wife”s fault again! He never tires of blaming her for everything, and she immediately takes the blame. Even if it doesn”t escalate to assault, psychological abuse has already occurred.
Weak or strong victim?
Why doesn”t someone who is slowly but surely turning into hell run away from it? Two situations are possible.
- A psychologically weak person believes that “it”s all my fault, which means I deserve it,” and simply endures. And they will likely endure it throughout their entire life. If the problem escalates, which is what happens in most cases, the tragedy is still unbearable. Psychologically strong means believing, “This is my life, and I”m responsible for everything that happens in it, and therefore for those with whom I live.” Such victims not only accept responsibility for everything that happens, but also blame their loss of control over the situation. They will also go to great lengths to persevere. When such victims leave destructive relationships, very serious things must happen.
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On the one hand, the problem is caused by the same outcome, but the solution to this situation can be different.
Unfortunately, psychologically weak people cannot save themselves. However, there is one “but.” If a woman has children, or even more children, she has a chance to survive. All family conflicts affect children in one way or another. No matter how hard parents try to hide the confrontation, sooner or later the children will find out. Even if the father”s behavior could somehow harm the children, a woman has the opportunity to save them.
The fact is that maternal instinct is one of the most powerful factors influencing women”s behavior. If the children are truly in danger, a woman might suddenly scoop them up and run away. In this situation, it”s crucial that someone.. It”s important that women are understood and rescued, not sent back to their husbands with peace of mind “in the name of protecting the family.”
A mentally strong victim may one day become aware of his feelings. She will try for a long time to “save” the unfortunate man, but sooner or later the cup of patience will overflow, and the completely arrogant housewife will be removed or expelled from the house. The main thing is not to be late and not to cause physical harm to her in the process of expulsion. However, such women can really stand up for themselves if necessary.
What happens if violence occurs not in the family, but in a company or on the street?
And again, both victims blame only themselves for everything that happened. One of them is to “blame yourself.” There”s nothing wrong with wearing a short skirt, walking alone down a dark street, or staying late at work. Another thing is to take control of the situation, anticipate the danger, run quickly and be ready to fight back. All this sounds so wild that they will find excuses to take full responsibility for what happened, even drunken, cruel rapists who have lost their human appearance.
The power of public opinion
The power of public opinion
And the Russian mentality is obliged to try to save the family. Women without men are lost. And children without fathers are bad. Yes, it”s all the woman”s fault. She married a normal man. And why even brag about it with everyone else? The list of these conclusions is endless.
Victim blaming: victim blaming/retraumatization
Victim blaming: victim blaming/retraumatization
Victims of street violence are also condemned by society.
Why did she incriminate the unfortunate farmer?
- I think she was joking, but then she changed her mind and said she was raped.
- See what a short skirt and makeup she was wearing.
- This recipe sometimes seems ridiculous, but it is passed on from mouth to mouth and repeated with enviable regularity. This is one of the reasons why rapists often get away with it and don”t even report them to the police. This will not stop those who once got away with it.
Can the victim really be the culprit?
Can the victim really be the culprit?
For various reasons, usually due to some event in childhood or adolescence, victims may feel the desire to experience violence, fear, humiliation and even beatings. It sounds funny, but it”s true. This phenomenon is called masochism and is probably familiar to everyone. Masochists and their antipodes — sadists — have long formed their own community and subculture called BDSM.
Within the framework of such relationships, any infliction of violence or suffering occurs by mutual consent, within strictly defined limits and with full responsibility for the consequences of what happens. People who practice BDSM have the ability to fully satisfy their needs without causing suffering to others. Why can”t everyone do this?
The fact is that in order to understand that sexual preferences differ from generally accepted ones, you need to at least think about them and analyze them. Unfortunately, this is not for everyone. Again, public opinion is not in favor of BDSM relationships.
It turns out that the victims themselves invite their partners into fights and scandals, and then the sex seems very sweet. You can also try to make yourself angry enough to get hit — that”s also possible.
However, in this case there is one important “but”. That is, the victim needs such emotional shocks. After them she did not become unhappy, rather the opposite. And of course, she does not continue to complain — she objectively realizes that she bears responsibility and is ready to suffer the most severe punishment for this. Perhaps more than once.
This may be the only option if the “victim” is truly responsible.
Is victim blaming an everyday reality for us?
Is victim blaming an everyday reality for us?
Robber in the crowd? It’s his own fault, there’s no point in counting crows!
- Serious illness? It”s your own fault, you must take care of your health!
- Was there a special child in the family? Yes, it”s the parents” fault!
- Did an elderly person fall and hurt themselves? It”s their own fault. You shouldn”t be sitting at home wandering around!
- Whether more people should be held accountable for things they can neither control nor prevent, in order to perpetuate victim harassment, is a personal matter. It”s worth carefully considering whether the person society is trying to hold responsible is truly at fault. And imagine if you yourself could take the place of the person responsible for all the troubles of tomorrow.
Why is it “the victim”s own fault”? What did you do to deserve being beaten? Victim psychology, victim blaming
