“Just leave him!”: why do you continue to live with a tyrant
Any sane person will tell you that they don”t want to date or live with a person who hurts them and ruins their existence. But contrary to common sense, this is constantly observed among friends and acquaintances. And sometimes they drive themselves into a trap. Painful and sometimes destructive relationships are renewed again and again. A reasonable question arises: why, and most importantly, why do partners always return to such people?
Contents of the article:
What will a professional say?
Photojournalist and sexologist Shelby Seves tried to answer this question today. Shelby is currently working on her doctorate in sexual psychology and intends to begin working as a sex therapist in the near future. Instability often seems paradoxically simple and familiar to people, explains Shelby. “Predictable, understandable relationships can seem boring. People are looking for adrenaline because they have been accustomed to emotional roller coasters since childhood. It is difficult to look for kindness and love in a relationship if you have been accustomed to neglect and rejection since childhood.
Vicious circle
Sometimes people are simply blinded by love. They think they can change their partner. But every time they find themselves in an illusion, because nothing changes in the relationship. On the contrary, even if they leave this destructive relationship, only in this case is there at least the slightest opportunity to improve the situation. This is because the disruptive partner may reflect on their behavior in light of the consequences it causes.
Read also: Why does a man live at the expense of a woman? What to do and how to live with it there are situations in life when it is difficult to say something clearly. For example, if a girl wants to make herself look gorgeous, but doesn”t necessarily want to show it.
“This often happens in families of alcoholics. The wife clings to her husband with all her might, but her enthusiasm further deprives him of the opportunity to stop abusing alcohol. Of course, this is an extreme case. However, due to the imbalance in the relationship, this model can also work in couples where one of the partners is strongly dissatisfied with the relationship.
Suppressing Negative Memories
“It is also possible that in painful relationships we are held back by a special mechanism of the psyche to eliminate traumatic events. The unconscious “records” the negative — all this in order to maintain the stability of the family system and its ability not to overcome pain. It is much easier to forget that in the past the husband or wife cheated, behaved inappropriately and abused trust. Often only after a divorce do we discover that layers of resentment have accumulated in our relationship with our partner, which only a competent psychologist can eliminate.” This mechanism keeps us in destructive love relationships. We don”t seem to notice our partners” bad behavior.”
Self-esteem and its role
And finally, I cannot help but mention such an aspect as self-esteem. If our achievements in other areas of life are modest and are not recognized by society at all, all that remains is to increase our own importance in the family. This is why the proverbial wife of an alcoholic only feels important and valuable when there is someone who “saves” her from drunkenness. Or if a woman has become a victim of a cheater, in this case she also receives a secondary benefit in the form of social compassion. But are these supposed benefits really necessary? Isn”t it easy to prove your worth by working on yourself and realizing your dreams?
Instead of a conclusion
Leaving an unhealthy relationship isn”t easy, Shelby says at the end of our conversation. But there are many things that can help. An important aspect is psychotherapy. It is in the process of working with a psychologist that emotional pain is overcome and behavioral patterns are rebuilt.
