Let”s be honest about cheating. Interview with sexologist and writer Lisa Taddeo
Not long ago, American journalist Lisa Tadeo wrote a new fascinating book. All her stories are dedicated to sex and sexuality. In her material, Lisa describes the personal lives and relationships of three American women from three different parts of the country.
Contents of the article:
The main characters of Taddeo”s book
One of these girls is Maggie, who is in a sexual relationship with the teacher. Ultimately, the harmful relationship has a negative impact on her psyche. The second heroine is Lina. She is married to a husband who does not satisfy her sexually. This pushes her into the arms of a childhood friend she loved in school. And the third heroine is Sloane. She leads an active sex life with her beloved husband. But at the same time, the girl periodically has sex with other men (and sometimes women) while her wife watches the process.
Conversation between a writer and a sexologist. Theme of infidelity
J. Lechmiller, a professional sexologist from Kinsey University, decided to interview the author.
Lechmiller: “Hi Lisa! I found your book very interesting. As a psychologist and sexologist in particular, I wanted to learn more about the characteristics of betrayal described in it. In particular, about the role in a relationship of the one who monitors the betrayal of a partner — after all, that’s what Sloane’s heroine’s husband does, right?
Taddeo: Hi Justin! Yes, yes, that”s exactly what he does.”
Lech Miller: “Let”s talk about Sloane first. She puts her horns in front of her husband”s nose. Plus, he likes to watch the process. In my research, I have often come across the fact that some people like to watch their partners cheat on them, in pornography or, moreover, in real life. Surprisingly, this is one of the most popular pornographic videos. In creating your book, you relied on assumptions or on the real belief that such fantasies are among the most common?
Taddeo: Yes, I definitely think it”s true: people really like to fantasize about their partners cheating on them. I”ve even met such people. For example, one of my friends had a husband who constantly pestered her with such fantasies. Of course, he didn”t force her to have sex in his presence. But he always asked my friend to tell me about her man. Of course, she had to be very careful with such stories. For example, do not ridicule your husband’s self-esteem, so as not to accidentally let slip about your lover’s very large phallus. So even in such fantasies there are limits that cannot be crossed.”
“In principle, I am very interested in the topic of betrayal. And in writing this book, I wanted to look at this situation from the point of view of Sloane”s husband. But I did not “destroy” her marriage on the pages of the work. Nevertheless, I think I was able to fully talk about the feelings of a traitor and a deceiver.
Tendency to submission (dominance) and voyeurism
Lechmiller: “As a scientist, I find it interesting that Sloane occupies a submissive role in my relationship with my husband. But in my research into sex fiction about cheating, I often found interesting facts. People tend to be voyeuristic—they like to watch their partner have sex with someone else—and they generally have more fantasies about submission. In contrast, people who like to imagine their partner admiring them in the arms of another person are more likely to have fantasies about dominance.”
“So I think the power dynamics in your work are a little different from the scenarios that mostly come from reality.” And this made me think: what is a woman in the position of surana?
Taddeo: “Yes, on the one hand, my heroine fulfills the whims of her husband, who loves to push her into the arms of other lovers. However, in some cases, as you will likely read in the pages of my book, Sloane appears in a completely different light. She feels in demand and desired. She usually has a choice, unlike her husband.”
Read also: Why does a man need a mistress and is the wife to blame for her husband’s betrayal?
A girl who has given herself up on the altar of love is often confused. What kind of women do men leave behind? Are men really exclusive?
Characteristics of the heroine
Lechmiller: “Your point is very interesting. The way you approached writing your book allowed you to delve deeper into the situation of women in similar situations. You say about Sloane that after reading the book 50 Shades of Gray, she began to look at her relationship with her husband differently. In fact, after reading this work, she began to consider herself submissive. But at the same time, reading your book from a psychological point of view, I could not shake the feeling that Sloane also developed a tendency to dominance.”
Taddeo: “Yes. She saw her betrayal as a sign of humility towards her husband. And in fact, she liked it all. The only thing that made Suran unhappy was the reaction of others to her. In other words, submitting to her was contrary to her preferences — and, paradoxically, this gave Soda strength. Until others began to point out her shortcomings.”
Therefore, I would not call my heroine classically submissive. And it’s not a fact how skillfully he fulfills the desires of his wife — this is also partly manifested in her tendency to dominate.”
Consultation with a sexologist: sex on the side. rules of treason. about the betrayal of men and women. female infidelity
Treason as the red thread of the work
Lechmiller: “Reading your book, I realized that it is completely focused on the issue of infidelity. At the heart of each story is a plot in which marriage vows are broken. For example, one of the men named UES that Slan has sex with is married. The teacher Maggie, whom she meets, is also related by marriage. The third heroine, Lina, begins a relationship with her childhood friend Eden, with whom she probably already had a family relationship by that time. All three women have sexual relationships with married men and do so secretly. What caused your need to hide your personal life and how does this whole situation affect your character?
Taddeo: “People often ask me why I focus on infidelity in my books. But I don”t do this intentionally. And cheating is not the main aspect that I want to highlight in my stories. Throughout my life, I have found that many people — both men and women — feel very good about breaking their marriage vows. But they are so afraid of these thoughts that they fear their possible implementation.”
A person begins to be afraid of the very thought of betrayal, and not of real adultery. Maggie did not destroy other people”s marriages — it was the teacher”s initiative. Likewise Lina. As far as Sloane is concerned, the affair was an act committed by Wes. Sloane herself had no intention of leaving her voyeur husband.”
The impact of adultery on a woman
Taddeo (continuing his monologue): “But regardless of who exactly committed adultery, I think that it has a very strong effect on the psyche, especially on the mental state of women. When Wes”s wife finds out about the betrayal, all her attacks fall on Sloane. However, Sloane did not want to have sex with Wes. Her observer husband and Wes himself wanted intimacy. But as a woman, she becomes the target of other people”s aggressive reactions.
“The consequences of betrayal for women can be observed in real life. For example, for men, infidelity is not a significant enough event to affect their social or professional life. Men begin to think about how to deal with it all as quickly as possible. For women, a love triangle is like a hurricane and can derail their career, financial situation and other health. The emotional toll on women in case of infidelity cannot be compared with that of men.
Double social standards
Ray Miller: “Your thoughts on this are very interesting. As part of my dissertation, I studied the phenomenon of adultery, but did not look at gender differences in its consequences. In particular, about how male infidelity can become a problem for women.”
“I think this dynamic reflects the double standards that exist in society regarding male and female sexuality. In fact, women are judged more harshly than men. Would you say that women”s sexual urges are always related to social norms?
Tadeo: “I completely agree. In Sloane”s case, I had to explain something similar. One aspect of her relationship with her husband was that he wanted sex every day. She, on the other hand, allowed it. But if the story had been told differently, there might not have been a response from readers.
