“Love conquers all.” or what do they lie about in a relationship?
I have ideas about relationships that don”t stand up to scrutiny. And one of these prejudices is that only love can build good relationships and even a family. But is this really so?
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Justin Lehmiller, a fellow at Kinsey College in the United States, decided to tackle this issue. He interviewed John and Judy Gottesman, psychologists and authors of the most thoroughly researched science of love. John and Judy have produced many articles and publications on how to build happy relationships and what you can do to improve your marital satisfaction.
Basic myths
In the first part of the interview, Lehmiller asks what the biggest misconception people have about relationships. Lechmiller: What do you think is the biggest misconception people have about relationships? Judy Gottesman: “I would divide them into two categories. And what they tend to get wrong is that in order to make a couple, people must inevitably have common interests. This is the principle of almost all dating sites. It is true that we are often attracted to people who are very different from us. However, this is just one of the myths. Another misconception is that we are used to telling each other about our problems, talking about our partners and never explaining ourselves. And this often sounds like an accusation. Rarely do people use such phrases like “I.” or “I.” Such language is always noticeably different from criticism. Is there anything you would like to add John? John Gottesman: “I think another misconception is that people think that love is the basis of everything. As if if partners are head to toe in love with each other, everything should happen like magic because no other factors play any role. But love alone is not enough. Sometimes you have to make incredible efforts to build a relationship.
Read also: 100 super questions for a guy about relationships and love how to talk to your man about your relationship — is it an intimate and honest dialogue between two close people, and not an interrogation with bias? Like several.
Lies in relationships
Willingness to work on yourself
John continued: “In the early days of my relationship with Judith, I was always afraid of her saying “we need to talk”.” But in reality, my fear only undermined our unity. I had to change a lot in myself so as not to avoid honest and frank conversations. Let”s stop being defensive and thereby create the basis for open communication in our couples. Obviously, just falling in love is not enough here. A certain psychological preparation is required.
Main difficulties
Lechmiller: “Judith, what do you think are the main problems in relationships?” Judith Gottesman: “I think the reason lies in our inability to correctly build a line of behavior in case of conflict. From childhood we become accustomed to certain patterns of behavior and continue to blindly follow them into adulthood. However, in practice, these patterns can often be destructive. Many people have parents who have been divorced for a long time. This indicates an inability to constructively convey our point of view without negative emotions and insults.
John Gottesman: “I have something to add too. Over the years, Judith and I have studied the dynamics of couple-partner interactions. The one that impressed me the most was one large study that involved more than 40, 000 couples across the United States. We found that about 80% of respondents consider family life boring and monotonous. They claim that romance and fun disappeared from the relationship in the first few years of marriage. And this is very sad. I think it”s very important for modern couples to take the time and effort to create a romantic atmosphere and have fun every now and then.”
