What if you”ve been living together for a year, but he hasn”t asked you to marry?
Living together before entering into a formal relationship has long been the norm. Oh, and there”s a heated debate about this topic. Even though everyone (well, not everyone, but most) has gotten used to this situation, the question remains pressing. We”ve been living together for a year; we”ve been living together for a year; we”ve been living together for a year. Of course, the vast majority of authors on this issue are women. It”s worth understanding why men don”t want to get married.
Contents of the article:
Pitfalls
When a couple decides to live together, there”s usually no question about how long it will last. There are two of them, and they decide they”re happy together, that they”re good enough to date, and it”s time to put the adults aside and try living together. Here, as a rule, both sides have completely opposite thoughts.
A man”s head says, “Cool, you need to go on fewer dates. The house will always be clean and tasty.” Think, “Let”s wait a few months under the same roof, check out the size of her house, try her borscht and cutlets, and then we”ll decide whether it”s worth going to the registry office.”
In a woman”s head, things are much more complicated. A girl is convinced that if a man invites her to live with him (and it”s not even a man”s initiative), then she”s already halfway married. “He”s almost ready, now he”ll see what a wonderful friend I am, I”ll put a concrete path on his stomach, and I”ll get the coveted ring.” Girls are often convinced that this A joyful event will happen soon.
This difference in thinking is the biggest pitfall. Everyone pursues their own goals. Hence both life hacks: if you decide to live together, discuss your goals. In other words, something like, “Let”s live together for six months to see if we can get along within four walls.”
There”s something right about living together before marriage. You can better understand each other in everyday life. Solve some everyday problems together and divide up responsibilities. Of course, they lived together before the wedding—everything was perfect, but as soon as they got married, everything changed. Honestly, this only happens if someone really wants to get married.
There are situations when this cannot be invented on purpose. For example, a girl really wants to get married (in general, it’s difficult to understand that after getting married, many people are eager to get married). The apartment is immaculately clean, there are three-course meals, everyone is attracted to the relative’s parents. But once you get married, everything suddenly disappears. Yes, yes, this really happens. Dear girls, don”t do this. This does not add happiness to anyone in your couple.
It also happens that a couple lives together, but for some reason does not discuss family issues. Both work the same number of hours, but when they come home, the man lies down on the sofa and waits to be called to dinner. The girl runs to the stove, starts cooking, does laundry at the same time, and does a good job.
Women, remember: if you build your life in the image and likeness of a draft horse from the very beginning, it will be difficult to change this. Numerous families are breaking up due to the fact that women bear everything on themselves — work, everyday life, children. Poor, unhappy people are tired of working. Understanding whether communal housing is included in each other before the wedding will help here.
Should you get married?
One of the most frequently asked questions is “When is the wedding?” they ask. Most often the author is a relative of the parent. Grandmothers, in particular, were not accepted during that period. Now this question is followed by “When to have children?” follows. Yes, the 21st century has long arrived in the garden, but these questions are asked much more often than we would like.
It’s great that couples can decide for themselves whether they should get married or not. Perhaps they will not perceive each other as husband and wife. In this case, of course, a question arises. Why live together and spend time with each other? But this is already a failure.
One of the most common answers to the question about marriage: “We are so good together, why do we need a stamp, it won’t change anything.” And here everything is not so simple. The stamp remains a guarantee of seriousness and stability. No, of course, it does not protect him from everything, but it compensates and protects his nerves depending on the circumstances. For example, in relation to jointly acquired property.
Here many people wave their hands and say that with a competent approach, everything is thought out so as not to go to the bottom — everyone will remain with their own. But believe me, not everyone can. Probably only the unit can document everything so as not to be left in the dark.
How many liars (usually women) cried (a), how many cried (b) when he believed in his beloved (a) in court (this is the best case) and (b) he froze on the shoulders of friends (the most common case), and did not formalize everything as it should be. Those who had half-suddenly entered another world began to cry even more. For example, two people lived for themselves, bought an apartment, registered an apartment for one person, he took it and died. The heirs are relatives-parents, and not those with whom they shared shelter. There is an understanding that the registry office was not the worst idea.
When should you get married?
Read also: My ex-husband and I live together — should we be ashamed?
There are many reasons to share an apartment together, even if you are ex-spouses. There are other reasons to live with.
You can find many forums on the World Wide Web. Their headlines: “Are we living together so he can get married?” Or: We lived together for 5 years or even 10. We already have children and property together, but there are no stamps.
The first question arises: should a man be allowed to marry himself? Answer yourself — the one who gives the fact of marriage. Yes, of course, a formalized relationship gives a woman more confidence. If you decide to separate, will you be able to legally divide property, such as dividing an apartment you bought together, if the relationship is not registered? The second question I have to answer for myself is: do I definitely want to live in a marriage with this person or have children with him (not a mandatory point)?
On the forum, opponents of cohabitation call it differently. One of the names is “marriage research.” This may be an offensive wording for some, but in fact it is an attempt to make it about family life. And here it is very important to understand who people imagine themselves to be. No, of course, there are happy exceptions, but in most cases it remains so.
And yes, stop calling civil unions cohabitation. These are completely different things. For some reason, the term “cohabitation” offends many people. However, yes, it is true. If you live together before registering your relationship with the registry office, you are a cohabitant and not a common-law partner. Yes, yes.
Men”s excuses
Satya • We live together, but he hasn”t asked me to marry.
In most cases, the question of what to do next after living together for a year worries the female part of the couple. Of course, this can happen in other ways, but this is unusual.
Wise women can”t stand the absence of rings on their fingers. Talkers often get excuses that allow them to write humorous scenes.
Men”s excuses:
- The preparation is incomplete. How can we judge the degree of preparation? Does the pie have dry toothpicks, tender meat, and meat on the person? And what does he need to do to be “ready”? And what exactly is he not ready for? What will change greatly in his life after the wedding, what needs to be prepared for this?
- Everyone lives like this. Oh, this desire to be “the same as everyone else” does not lead to anything good. If possible, then why do you need it? All, frankly speaking, a very strange excuse. What”s connected with this?
- We”re doing well. Yes, from the same opera — the stamp does not change anything. So, if nothing changes and nothing changes, why should we be afraid of it? Well, it means nothing to you, but it means a lot to her, go and sign it. Why do men think that wedding rings and stamps turn their lives upside down?
- You are obsessed with the wedding. Yes, most of the fair sex stare at weddings. Yes, they want to wear white dresses and snap their fingers. Yes, they need the same seal. This means much more for women than for men. However, this is a sign of stability (a certain confidence). This is explained by the fact that after separation, women (in the vast majority of cases) remain to raise their joint children. This is because it is more difficult for women to achieve anything.
- Initially. Everything is possible instead of an ellipsis — first you win a wedding, then buy an apartment, a car, a cottage, fly and see the world. And endlessly. What prevents you from being legally married?
- Someone is against it. Paternal grandmother, mother, neighbor”s dog, caretaker of our garden. Damn, men, why do you care? Maybe you don”t even like your chosen one”s parents, but they don”t want to get married. And why should someone else decide for you whether your lover is suitable for your wife?
- I”m afraid of divorce. Yes, first I”m afraid of marriage, then I”m afraid of divorce. He is afraid that his wife will run away with someone else and break his heart. Oh, what vulnerable men have done today. Such excuses are often used by people who have already been burned in past relationships. But these were different relationships. With others. Everything was different there.
- Age is not the same thing. So yes, a 30-year-old man can turn into a 40-year-old. Or it may not ripen. But it”s definitely not that age now. And in a year. And after five. In 60 years?
- Ready to get married under certain conditions. For example, if you leave your friend, he will get married. Or breastfeed yourself. Or give the children from your first marriage to someone to raise. Other conditions. Running away from a girl, for example, from a guy.
- Don”t know. Not knowing if you love him. Or that he loves you. Or that he likes women in general. Leave the uncertainty alone. It may last 30 years, but it doesn”t improve self-confidence.
The list goes on and on. A man who doesn”t want to marry you will come up with something new every time.
What should I do?
If you”ve lived together for a year and don”t know what to do next, another year is unlikely to change anything. A year is enough time to understand whether you will come to each other. If there are no inclinations towards filing an application, you need to take everything into your own hands.
Choose the right moment — when the man is in a good mood and not busy, you can ask about joint plans for the future. Then you must watch and listen carefully. If he is in a hurry, hides his eyes, is tense and evasive, things are bad. All in all, within a year you can probably get to know him well and understand his reactions.
If you are not ready for this step, you can try other methods. Again, conversations on this topic should take place when the man is in a good mood and not busy with anything. For example, after dinner, while watching a movie together. Ask him about his ideal woman. What kind of wife does he want?
If you suddenly realize that it”s not about you, your task is not to throw a tantrum. Then listen calmly and figure out how to proceed. Listen and try it yourself. If you find that you don”t quite live up to his ideals, decide for yourself whether you are willing to become what he wants instead of sabotaging yourself. For example, he wants to have a full-time wife where he is the center of the universe. And you realize that you will never be able to do this.
Indeed, here you need to be prepared for him to ask you the opposite question about your husband. And here you can go two ways. This might make him think.
In any case, you should understand that talking about marriage can be counterproductive. A man may get nervous, make a fuss, slam the door and leave. Yes, men are vulnerable when it suits them. Otherwise, they will break up, pack their things and leave. However, silently waiting for it to ripen is not an option. Perhaps he views you as a relay base. And you waste your time and youth on it.
Girls, women, you must love, appreciate and respect yourself. You don”t have to live with people who don”t think you”re unique. Don”t waste time, your happiness is probably waiting for you somewhere. Yes, it can be very difficult to break everything, but sometimes this is the only right way. There is no need to force marriage. Such marriages are doomed to fail. Why rush to complain to your friends that “we’ve been living together for a year, but he doesn’t propose to me,” this is not your person. Isn”t it easier to quickly build a strong family than to get burned later?
