Dangerous Reality: Gaslighting in Sexual Relationships
The term “gaslighting” is being used more and more these days. But what does this have to do with sex?
What is gaslighting
The term itself began to be widely used in English around 2016. Nowadays it is also used in politics. It got its name from the 1944 film Gaslight.
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The plot centers on a girl named Paula, who is tormented by terrible memories. She suffers from memory loss and hallucinations that gradually separate her from reality. However, the reason for this is not an unfortunate female mental disorder, but the cruel manipulation of her husband. Paula lived in Italy and studied music. However, Gregory, who later became her husband, convinced the girl that she had no talent for singing and persuaded her to return to their old home in London. Gregory often left Paul at home, ostensibly to work in his studio. After he leaves, the light on the gas jet (in this case, a gas lantern) slowly goes out, and someone”s footsteps are heard in the attic. It”s all Gregory”s doing. Paula, however, does not know about this and is sure that he has gone crazy. So what is gaslighting? This is a special form of psychological violence. Gaslighting manipulates the victim into doubting their own memory. This convinces her that she has lost touch with reality. This also happens in sexual relationships. And this is not that uncommon.
Gaslighting in sex
Sexual gaslighting is a form of abuse of power. The manipulator seeks complete control over the victim, using every possible ploy. The primary goal of gaslighting is to make the partner doubt their sexual reality. Phrases such as “you wanted this yourself” are often used. An uncomfortable but very illustrative example, described in the psychological publication Psychology Today, goes like this: A man engages in anal sex with his girlfriend for a long time (a), and then engages in sexual intercourse with her (b). He then engages in anal sex with her. She did not voluntarily consent to this practice. The next morning, when it became physically clear what had happened, her partner insisted that she wanted anal sex and asked him for it. Even though anal sex wasn”t what she truly wanted, she believed her partner and thought it was possible. She was drunk and could have behaved differently in such a situation. And gradually, this girl began to think she could actually ask her partner about this. And each time the manipulator found it easier to gas her, her reality gradually shifted. It”s ingrained in her mind that she”s already asked for it once before and can do it again.” Gaslighters ignore their victims” emotions and fears. Furthermore, don”t expect them to apologize, as this provokes the victim into believing that everything happened on their own initiative. They also don”t engage in lengthy conversations. The more the victim talks, the more likely it is that sooner or later they will listen to reason and start thinking logically. This is very disadvantageous for the gaslighter—they will quickly end the conversation.
Read also: 4 Ways to Maintain a Man”s Sex Drive Forever are you afraid that your man will lose interest in you and sex will become stale or even disappear from your life altogether? We”re here to help.
Finally, all responsibility is placed on the victim. In the example above, the victim was accused of having too much to drink. Gaslighters may also accuse the victim of intentionally provoking conflict in the relationship, without regard for with your partner. Guilt is a very powerful weapon in the hands of manipulators.
Typical Gaslighter Phrases
“Gaslighting causes the victim to doubt themselves. The manipulator may do or say offensive things and deny it happened,” explains psychotherapist Tina B. Tessina. Victims increasingly doubt their feelings and memories and rely increasingly on the “reality” created by the gaslighter. This also reinforces the victim”s dependence on the perpetrator.
- “You”re too sensitive.”
With this phrase, gaslighters belittle the victim”s emotions. When the victim tries to express hurt or disappointment, the manipulator begins to convince them that they are fanning wormholes from wormholes. The abuser”s goal is to make you feel stupid for trying to stand up for yourself. When manipulators succeed in destroying the victim”s ability to trust their own perceptions, they are more likely to agree with their partner”s abusive behavior and stay in the relationship,” says Tessina.
- “You have a terrible memory.”
Another phrase popular among gaslighters. Yes, everyone can experience memory problems from time to time, but gaslighters exploit a wide range of situations that trigger common memory problems in victims. “They do this because the main goal of gaslighting is to make the victim doubt themselves. When the victim loses confidence, control of the situation is completely in the hands of the gaslighter,” explains Tessina.
A gaslighter”s dangerous wish is [why don”t you see the abuse?] #gaslightinginrelationships
- “You”re crazy. Others think so too.”
Gaslighting can even go further and make the victim doubt their own mental health. They may try to convince the victim”s family and friends that the victim is mentally unstable. This is done to further discredit the victim”s claims. This reduces the likelihood that others will believe the victim”s story. If she tries to leave the relationship, she will have nowhere to go,” says Tessina.
- “I”m sorry you think I did that on purpose.” It sounds like an apology, but it”s not. Gaslighters thus place all the blame on the victim. And, of course, this calls into question their ability to accurately assess reality.
You might have guessed I”d react this way.
- Gaslight distorts facts so that manipulators can avoid personal responsibility for their actions. Gaslight holds the victim responsible for raising her voice and how she responded to what happened, telling her that she should have figured it out on her own,” Tessina concludes.
What to do when faced with gaslighting in sex
What to do when faced with gaslighting in sex
If the gaslighter is a narcissist (which is not always the case), there is no use in trying to get him to admit anything. Still, it”s worth bringing it into the conversation. Gas workers don”t always know what they are doing. You should also consider seeking psychological help from a specialist. You should also contact the appropriate authorities if sexual intimidation escalates into outright sexual violence. Another option is to break up with the person causing suffering. Sometimes this is the only way to stop the manipulation and relieve the pressure. It is also very important that victims understand that what happened was not their fault. Ignition is violence.
Devaluation in relationships. gaslighting. psychological violence.
