Different sexual temperaments, or what should be the frequency of sex?
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Usually, the main reason for a couple to turn to a sexologist or psychotherapist is a different desire for intimacy, or rather its frequency. If one partner needs sex at least several times a day, then the other needs sex once a week (or more often). The dilemma is this. I want to be with you and my physical needs are to make myself feel.
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Canadian Research
Canadian scientists became interested in this phenomenon. At the University of Waterloo, researchers found that rhythm differences are one of the leading causes of chronic sexual dysfunction. Scientists surveyed 117 heterosexual couples in long-term relationships. Privately, each spouse was asked what had caused the most conflict in their sex life and what had caused the most damage to their lives. In both cases, frequency of sex came first.
In sex there is only one conclusion that can be drawn, which is common to all humanity. In the intimate sphere, we are all unique. No two people are the same, no two couples are the same. Therefore, it is impossible to specify a “normal” or “typical” frequency of sex. And there are no “right” couples, which makes us think about how often we make time for intimacy. However, researchers continue to try to find general trends.
In general, couples under the age of 45 have sex about once a week. Elderly couples — usually two to three times a month.
Important Factors
Based on a sample of 6, 785 married adults, US researchers found several key factors that directly influence the frequency of sexual intercourse:
- The stage of the beginning of a relationship. In almost all age groups, a period of frequent sex can be observed at the beginning of a love affair. After this, the intensity of passion gradually decreases.
- Year. As a rule, years do not have a positive effect on sexual rhythms. Older people tend to have less sex.
- Characteristics of relationships, emotional climate of the couple. The happier a partner is, the more often they tend to get closer.
- Betrayal. Compared to faithful, monogamous spouses, those who like to go left have sex more often. At the same time, there are not so many legal spouses — changing partners pay less attention to them.
- Level of education. Interestingly, those with less than a high school education have less sex. The frequency of intimacy increases with diplomas and bachelor”s degrees. However, academic degrees do not affect the frequency of intimacy.
Read also: What types of sex should be present in a strong relationship?
Regular sex is a great way to keep fit and feel better. But having a permanent partner has other advantages that don”t.
A hot temperament is not a whim: what to do if one of you wants more
If one of the spouses is fundamentally dissatisfied with their intimate life, this always affects the relationship. The first partner is irritable and aggressive, and the second may brush it off with the general phrase “I don’t need this” or “I have things to do, and they are more important.” By the way, these sensations are due to purely physiological reasons. More and more new arguments and accusations are being brought forward.
Spouses with high sexual desire feel disadvantaged and rejected. On the contrary, the cool partner seems to want to get him and get out of his own possible way. Chronic differences in sexual rhythms make both spouses feel unhappy. Even if the relationship is ideal in all other areas of life, this factor can cause a breakup.
Differences in preferences can also completely destroy expressions of emotional affection of an unexpected nature: hugs, kisses, innocent gestures. The unhappy partner does not want the other to irritate him with his “hugs.” After all, sex is not their thing. Ultimately, all this causes confusion and accusations on the other side. “Why don”t you even hug me?”
Different sexual temperaments. What should a couple do?
Who needs more: men or women
It is believed that the stronger half never gets tired of sex, and women often behave more ambiguously — as a rule, it is not clear how to please them. However, when couples step into a sex therapist”s office, the mask falls off. It turned out that women need more physical intimacy in about a third of cases.
Usually, when men are in closer proximity, this also leads to unpleasant consequences. However, such problems seem culturally expected and therefore “normal.” However, stress increases when a woman is more “hungry.” Each partner does not consider the current situation normal.
What to do?
Partners suffering from differences in temperament have three options.
If you want to stay together and be faithful to each other, you only have one option. It is necessary to agree on the frequency with which you will both post. At the same time, you must adhere to the following principles.
- Say “I want” or “I need” rather than “you must.” Tell us about your desires, not your complaints.
- Keep it simple. Your partner already knows how you feel.
- Listen to your partner with respect. Don”t interrupt him and show understanding.
- Avoid mutual shaming. It takes at least ten pleasant words to neutralize one discomfort. Therefore, you should not fall into sarcasm or mocking laughter. Listen with kindness.
- Don”t laugh. This question is not funny, as it can lead to a breakup. Take a look at internet memes and show off your sense of humor with other examples.
Flexibility in reaching a compromise
It”s not a fact that adjustments will bring you happiness. Rather, compromise reduces mutual dissatisfaction to an acceptable level. No one will get what they really need. Both partners usually receive at least as much as they can live on. Your flexibility shows that you value the relationship, not that you are trying to “win.”
Negotiations can be held again. After all, unforeseen circumstances can always arise where adjustments need to be made. And the sooner you come to an agreement again, the better it will be for both of you.
