Expert opinion: how successful, experienced couples maintain passion
How do people maintain passion in long-term relationships? What can they do to enjoy sex more with their partners? And what do most people do wrong?
Contents of the article:
Justin Lechmiller, a sex scientist at Kinsey College in the US, helps people understand these complex issues. He conducted a series of interviews with John and Judy Gottesman, sexologists, relationship experts and authors of many books on the psychology of love.
Recommendation from a sexologist
Lechmiller: “Do you have any ideas or advice for couples who want to improve their sex lives? How to communicate your intimate planning wishes to your partner?” John Gottesman: “I was most impressed by the way you asked the question, Justin. You stated, “What does it take to improve your sex life. Apparently, today people have begun to treat love as if someone could give them instructions for use. If this is the case, then when you meet your partner, each person receives an additional document containing instructions on what to do with it — as if you were a new washing machine just bought from a hardware store.” “I believe that there is no special “improvement” in your sex life and there cannot be. Alternatively, the partners remain in contact with each other and each can ask their lover what they want. Alternatively, there is alienation, when the participants in a love union live their own lives. To have sexual relations is to be in contact. We keep in contact with each other.”
Complaining just ruins everything
Judith Gottman: “I like to notice that many of the couples we work with practice open relationships. They can tell their partners what they like about sex, what kind of touch turns them on the most, etc. Such couples tend to be the most satisfied with their intimate lives. Those who consistently expressed criticism and dissatisfaction with their partners were more likely to suffer from sexual dissatisfaction. This happened even if the claims were very justified. In the end, every person wants to be loved and desired, and not listen to a stream of complaints every day.”
Read also: How to bring passion back into a relationship? The therapist”s answer the beginning of most relationships is beautiful, passionate and romantic. But after the romantic phase is over, especially after the birth of a child, the relationship.
Lechmiller: “In your work, you often address the myths and misconceptions that characterize people about sex. One of these myths is that sex should be deeply romantic. This is a really important point. Can you explain what exactly you meant when you talked about this mistake?” Judy Gottesman: “People think sex is perfect. Like in Hollywood movies. You go to a dinner call, meet a stranger in a black tailcoat. After a month of dating, he takes you to a five-star hotel, where you perform your best sexual tricks, like an A-list porn star. But in reality, this is simply unrealistic. People can behave in completely different ways. Sometimes you want quick sex. Sometimes you want long foreplay. If you want to spend as much as possible time — don”t rush. Older people don”t need to draw sex machines.
The most common problem in relationships
Lechmiller: “What do you think are the main problems of couples who cannot improve their sex life?” Judith: “In our experience working with clients, this is an inability to communicate openly and a belief that everything should happen naturally in a couple. People believe that love is enough to build quality communication. But that”s not true.”
John: “Yes, it’s a big mistake to think that after you get married or start living together you become one. Romantic partners are two separate organisms. They have two completely different and separate brains. Therefore, misunderstandings are a completely natural part of a relationship. Overcoming them requires effort. Love alone is not enough.”
