How to Bring Passion Back into a Relationship? A Psychotherapist”s Answer
The beginning of most relationships is beautiful, passionate, and romantic. But after the romantic phase ends, especially after the birth of a child, the relationship is seriously tested by certain stressful circumstances, leading to changes in feelings and emotions. Attitudes range from “I love you just the way you are” to “Why aren”t you the way I wanted you to be?”
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Research shows that when a romantic relationship begins, our body produces special chemicals that help us “fall in love,” but over time, when hormonal production normalizes, maintaining a romantic relationship requires effort. This doesn”t mean your relationship is deteriorating or that you don”t love your partner. In fact, they”re simply entering a new phase, and for it to work, they”ll need to adapt to the new environment.
Dr. Jen Mann, a practicing psychotherapist, often hears questions from couples in long-term relationships about how to maintain the passion they once had. While each case requires an individual approach, there are some general recommendations that work for almost all couples.
Explain to your partner what you want
These tips may seem obvious, but they”re actually more complex than they seem. It”s difficult to separate what people enjoy, such as a desire to be more excited in a certain place or a desire to try something you”ve both never done before. Most people are nervous about expressing their desires, as many fear being accused of strange or even perverted preferences.
Even the most sexually open people sometimes hesitate. That”s why Dr. Mann”s client included a very successful businessman who wanted to be spanked. It took him two years and numerous therapy sessions before he finally decided to ask his wife about it. When he did, their sex life reached a whole new level, something they couldn”t even imagine possible.
Talking about your desires can be the basis for long-term relationships and sexual satisfaction. The Journal of Social and Personal Relations published the results of a study in which scientists found a direct correlation between the ability to communicate during sex and the quality of sexual life. Additionally, women who can communicate their sexual needs are more satisfied with their marriages, have more frequent sex, and more orgasms.
Experimenting with power
If you don”t know what you want, you won”t be able to share your desires. Therefore, you need to think about this first. For most people, however, the problem goes beyond introspection. The problem is that some sexual desires, preferences and fantasies don”t always feel right. Yes, it is very important to treat your partner with respect in bed. However, sometimes great sex doesn”t look quite right. We are talking about handcuffs, collars and spankings. It is important that all these issues are agreed upon in advance and that both partners are willing to participate. Want to try it? Talk about it. It doesn”t really reflect how you feel about your significant other. This is just an expression of your own desires.
Read also: How to bring passion back into a relationship with your husband in a long marriage?
Many years ago they could not get enough of each other, today the desire has long faded into the background, and sex happens, at best, once a month. Is it possible?
At such moments: “I can’t tell my boyfriend!” You may have a problem: “I can”t do that to my boyfriend! Or, “I can”t do that to my wife!” And this attitude prevents people from having truly passionate sex. But this is fundamentally the wrong approach. There is no better person to explore your desires than someone you love and feel safe with.
Don”t be afraid to say “dirty” things
Not ready for a more rigorous approach to engagement? A simple conversation about fantasies can bring something new to your sex life. You don”t have to act on every idea that comes to mind. Talking about what turns you and your partner on can be very interesting in itself. List your wildest fantasies—cheerleader and football player, porn star and director, boss and secretary, delivery man and client—or pretend to be someone else. If you”re new to this or unsure what to think, try reading books like “My Secret Garden” by Nancy Friday. Her book is a collection of sexual fantasy stories. It”s quite possible there”s something there that will excite you both.
How to bring passion back into your relationship? Tips from psychologist Olga Stern / podcast 69
Introduce an element of novelty
Couples who have been in a relationship for a long time tend to stick to the same rituals, as if they”ll eventually figure out what each other likes and perform the same routines. But to shake things up, you need to break out of this trap. Change the routine, change the location, try new positions, buy new adult toys or lingerie, try role-playing. The main principle: do something you”ve never done before.
Perhaps you didn”t achieve the wonderful results you wanted the first time around and decided to give up and return to your normal life. However, even novelty requires practice. Some couples feel nervous about experimenting, worried that it might ruin the good work they”ve already done. Or they worry about not being able to arouse each other. All these fears are unfounded. Some people worry that if one partner is bored in bed while the other enjoys it, they will resent the initial frustration. If this is the case, try to reframe this state of mind not as dissatisfaction, but as excitement at the prospect of trying something new, which could bring you two even closer. In any case, it”s worth exploring new territory, being patient, and learning about each other”s preferences and passions.
Establish a time and place for sex.
Determine a time and place for sex
One way to do this is to mark sexy dates on your calendar. There is no need for them to have dinner by candlelight or leave the house. And that doesn”t mean you don”t have sex on other days. However, in this case, you will find that no matter how busy you are, you will always have to make time for your partner these days. Anticipation also creates a certain amount of tension, and excitement adds spice to what you are about to do. It also provides a great opportunity for new discoveries.
Sex is a very important element in the life of loving people together. This is the only thing you do in a mutual monogamous relationship. This makes it special, connects and strengthens the relationship. Don”t lose this important connection.
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