I”ve developed an aversion to sex—what”s wrong with me, and how can I fix it?
It”s time to talk about sex. More specifically, about the sexual issues many women face. Because such “unusual” topics are not usually discussed, some people may feel lonely or strange.
Contents of the article:
Has sex or the thought of it suddenly become unpleasant? Are you experiencing fear of dates? Do you want to have sexual experiences outside of your current relationship? If any of the above sounds familiar, this article can help. Below are the stories of three women with similar problems, along with recommendations and advice for each situation.
Sex has become disgusting to me!
—We”ve been living with our husbands for almost eight years now. We”ve been together for over 30 years and are raising three children. We”re a great partner, generally finding common ground and generally happy with each other. However, lately, sex has become boring for me. It”s definitely not a libido issue. My husband has always been tall, but we”ve learned to compromise on that. I still experience arousal and masturbate (my husband doesn”t know this). We have sex once or twice a week, but either my husband or I orgasm. But I can”t shake the feeling that the process itself is dirty and disgusting. I”ve never had this problem with any of my other partners, and I”ve never had long-term relationships with anyone. It really interferes with my enjoyment of intimacy and affects the quality of our sex life. I”m ashamed of myself for thinking this way, but I can”t do anything about it. What the hell is wrong with me?
Answer
First of all, don”t despair: you”re not alone! To understand the problem, let”s look at the nature of rejection. Disgust is an adaptive (learned) psychological mechanism that causes us to distance ourselves from anything that evokes it. Conversely, sexual attraction compels us to approach objects we find pleasing.
The cognitive connection between attraction and aversion during sex has been shown to interact positively. Recent research on this topic has hypothesized that physical sexual arousal plays a role in why we may suppress physical and aversive feelings. This explains the fact that several factors (bodily fluids, odors, different behaviors) can be both aversive and pleasurable during sex. In other words, disgust is reduced if arousal is presented first. This is great news, for example, for couples whose sexual desires do not coincide. Therefore, before you start having sex with your husband, try to get yourself into a state of strong arousal. Try to understand how sex with a partner differs from sex with a partner, and how exactly masturbation differs for you. Maybe there”s something you”re missing? Feel free to integrate these moments into your sex life together. And, of course, the best option is to discuss this issue in detail with your sexologist.
I”m afraid of the first time!
— I”m 21 years old and I”m still a virgin. Most of the time this doesn”t bother me too much, but the idea comes up when I try dating apps. But anxiety is always present, and I can’t make up my mind! I worry that things won”t work out or that there will be challenges in the meeting. Every time I had the opportunity to go on a date, I was lost. I was very worried when someone showed interest in me. All my friends had been having sex for a long time, and it was a given. I know there”s nothing wrong with not having sex at my age. But for some reason I feel like I”m wasting my time. If I lose my virginity, how can I cope with my anxiety about it?
Read also: Why itching may occur after sex and how to solve this problem some people experience itching after sex. Of course, first of all, the thought arises that this is some kind of sexually transmitted disease. But what.
Answer
Listen to yourself and try to understand whether anxiety affects your whole life? If so, now is the time to start working with a therapist to relieve your anxiety. This can be done online or by phone. Talk to a friend about your first sexual experience. They, of course, were no less nervous than you. After all, every time we have sex with someone for the first time, we find out what he likes, adapt to him and try. It does not depend entirely on previous sexual experience. When indecisiveness arises before a meeting, is there a specific thought that triggers fear? If yes, then correct it and think about it when you calm down. Maybe you are afraid that it will hurt? However, the discomfort is usually temporary and may not occur at all. It all depends on your mood. Or are you worried that you won”t be able to get aroused for the sake of being aroused? Remember that this is completely normal. There are many ways for you to enjoy it in different ways — and you can do it in different ways. Just in case you feel more confident, think of some kind of backup plan in case of what you think is the worst case scenario. Remember, however, that you most likely won”t need to use them.
Aversion to sex. What should I do?
I want sex on the side!
“My partner and I have been engaged for nine years. Due to the pandemic, our wedding had to be postponed, but we already recognize ourselves as a married couple. We have a great relationship. We value and love each other. I”m happy to be married to him. There is nothing that I would like to change in our relationship. What”s the problem?
My boyfriend is my first and only (sexually and in relationships in general). And sometimes I”m willing to try with others (mostly for sex). I”m afraid this strange feeling will never go away! My partner and I have talked about this and he understands me, but of course he can”t help me. I”m confused. I”m worried this will affect our future. I”m also afraid that I will regret not having had sexual experiences with anyone before dating this man. What the hell is wrong with me? What should I do with these thoughts? My biggest fear is that I will give in to temptation and start looking for sexual experiences on the side. I hate myself for it and I know I caused my partner a lot of pain. I am convinced that he is not ready for an open relationship. Help!
Answer
You don”t think your partner is ready for an open relationship, but you haven”t asked him about it. Talk to him. Choose a time when you are both calm and can focus on the conversation. Remind him that you love him and value your relationship. Share your experience with him. Listen to your partner: perhaps his point of view will surprise you. Now think about what exactly you want from sex with another person. How do you imagine this intimate interaction in your mind? Do you experience more pleasure than your partner? Or do you experience negligible amounts? In any case, refine this process in your thoughts and bring every detail to perfection. Imagine the best case scenario. Can you imagine? Now try to realize that there is a high probability that this will not happen.We tend to overestimate and exaggerate experiences and events in our minds. In most cases, fantasy has nothing to do with reality. You may find sex with another partner awkward or uncomfortable. If your partner is ready for this step, consider trying to make love with three people. For example, invite a friend just for you. After all, there”s a good chance that casual sex on the side won”t help relieve your anxiety. It”s time to take stock. If you are faced with any of the above problems, do not get discouraged or give up if the matter is urgent. Indeed: everything can be fixed! Sex is omnipresent, huge and multifaceted. To understand how it works, you need to constantly know yourself and your body, as well as learn new things about the people with whom you share intimate experiences.
