Wife refuses sex — a sex coach talks about 13 reasons for this
Who is responsible and what needs to be done? We understand what has turned your oasis of love into a parched desert.
Contents of the article:
13 reasons why
Kelly Gonsalvest is a sex educator, relationship coach and journalist. She has published in many major publications, including Cut, Vice, Teen Vogue and Cosmopolitan. She believes there are 13 main reasons why your wife or girlfriend might refuse you sex. Namely:
- Powerful workload.
If you work too long, do household chores and raise children, is it any wonder that she sometimes does not have enough energy to make love? Like it or not, in many families women are forced to take on most of the household responsibilities, even if they work the same job as their spouse.
Make sure your wife takes time to rest and relax. Offer to share household responsibilities equally. When the workload decreases and your spouse feels that you are truly committed to the interests of the family, she will desire more strength, energy and sex.
This should not be a one-time event. You should work hard on your relationship with her and not “break” your wife for sex.
- She doesn”t need that much sex.
Perhaps your needs are different and he is less changeable than you. If sex doesn”t mean that much to her, she may not even realize that you”re missing out on something.
Talk openly about what sex means to each of you. Then decide what you can do to make your sex life satisfying for both of you. If you have such an opportunity, you can consult a sexologist.
If you know that you are sexually compatible with your mate, your wife may feel pressured. You want sex when she doesn”t want it — simply because her sex drive is lower than yours. She misbehaves and seems to be forcing herself into sex. Tension increases and kills your sex drive.
Your wife knows that your current sex life is making you unhappy and will get worse. As a result, sex, when it does happen, does not bring any pleasure, because relaxation is unquestionable.
Lower your own expectations. Talk openly with your wife and give up the accusations, the letters of fear, the end result. And new sensory experiences can help relieve stress.
- She doesn”t like your sex
Even in a happy marriage, a woman can lose interest in sex if it does not bring her pleasure. As you know, for most women, simple penetration is not enough to achieve orgasm. If nothing changes in your sex life, and you only get pleasure from love play, should you be surprised? “The typical approach to sex — “do everything as usual, quickly” — does not stimulate, does not excite, does not satisfy a woman,” says a coach in a relationship without stones.
Teaching theory. Learn all about how to please a woman in bed and bring her to orgasm. Expand your understanding of what sex is—it”s not just about the penis and vagina. Ask your wife what she likes, what turns her on and what gives her pleasure. Pull her out with foreplay.
Not everyone needs an emotional connection to have great sex, but in a long-term relationship, if you don”t have that connection, you may not want to have sex with your partner,” says psychologist Margaret Paul.
When was the last time you had a long heart-to-heart conversation? Do you remember what it”s like to have butterflies in your stomach? If two people feel more like neighbors than lovers, sex can be awkward and downright unsexy.
Start talking to your wife about your feelings, fears, hopes and dreams. Arrange a romantic date, but don”t put pressure on your spouse and don”t rush to turn everything into sex.
Read also: “Helpless” sex or why girls refuse gum
Intimate safety is not just a horror story that parents use to scare their offspring. Condoms are a universal way to protect against unwanted sex.
- Other problems in your relationship.
Unresolved conflicts, infidelity, disagreements about children, work, money, etc. — all this can affect the quality of your intimate life.
Don”t avoid serious conversations and don”t hush up the problem. Ask your wife how she feels about your relationship. Discuss possible solutions to your problems together.
- She was consumed with motherhood
Some women begin to perceive themselves differently after giving birth. After all, now they are not only women, but also mothers. In our society, this role is actively desexualized.
In some cases, the identity of a young parent becomes completely entwined with that of their child. We lose ourselves. Susan Hardwick-Smith, an obstetrician and gynecologist, says that having young children is a common and legitimate reason for abstaining from sex. Or have you changed your attitude toward your wife? Do you still see her as a lover, a sexy woman, or have you become a mother to yourself?
Your wife needs to know that you still find her sexy and desire her. Compliment her, kiss her, touch her, but don”t push sex. In many cases, you also need to plan a romantic getaway without the children. So remember, you”re not only parents, but also spouses and lovers.
- She has a complex.
One of the main reasons women avoid sex is body-related complexes. Most women already have these, but the situation can worsen with age, childbirth, weight gain, etc. Here, only compliments are important, as your wife should be on the path to accepting her body (but you can offer your wife concrete support!). If this seems to be the case, gently raise the topic. Don”t criticize your wife or make inappropriate jokes. Ask if there”s anything you can do to help and support her.
Menopause.
- Sexual Problems, Mikhail Labkovsky, Psychologist, Coach
Problems in sex, Mikhail Labkovsky, coach psychologist
She has health problems.
- A woman”s sexual desire can be affected by diabetes, chronic diseases, and cancer. Hormonal changes can begin as early as age 20 and negatively impact libido. Using hormonal contraceptives can also reduce libido.
Speak sincerely and consult your doctor if none of the above points apply to you. Also, if your wife has already been diagnosed with the disease, discuss what you can do to improve your sex life. Your doctor can also recommend safe ways to increase your libido.
Be more sensitive and attentive. If your spouse is struggling with a serious illness and experiences chronic pain, it is completely inappropriate to push for sex. Tell her how you feel and how important sex is to you. Then let her talk to you about what she needs now and what she is willing to do. Be honest, but also caring and compassionate.
She has mental health problems.
- Depression, anxiety and other mental disorders can cause decreased libido. The same applies to antidepressants. If your spouse suffers from one or another mental disorder, then most likely she is not interested in sex at all.
Compassion and support are the key to success. Everything here is the same as in the paragraph above.
She”s losing interest in you
- Loss of libido in itself does not mean that your wife no longer loves you or does not want to marry you. However, this option is also possible.
Don”t jump to conclusions. Talk to your wife and ask her how she feels about you and your marriage in general. There may be weak spots in your relationship that need to be addressed. You may need to seek family therapy. Or maybe your marriage isn”t something that”s meant to last.
She just doesn”t feel well.
- Perhaps everything is much simpler — she doesn’t want it now. And that”s okay!
Calmly accept your spouse”s refusal and masturbate. If you have a really good relationship, you have nothing to worry about. There is still time to enjoy each other”s company.
I don”t want sex with my wife. what to do?
