BDSM — a complete guide for those who have not yet decided
Thanks to pornography and some popular culture, BDSM has moved from the sexual world to become an almost natural part of most “vanilla” (i. e. normal, non-BDSM dynamics) relationships.
Contents of the article:
In fact, couples used many sexual practices, even the most common ones, often coming from the world of BDSM. For example, spanking on the bed, blindfolds and dirty talk. It is not surprising that interest in this culture is constantly growing. However, BDSM can be dangerous. That”s his nature, isn”t it? The feeling of complete power from the other person is worsened by the practice, which is on the verge of making one of the partners feel dominated. It”s exciting — but everything needs to be carefully thought out and planned in advance so that it remains the first step into the world of BDSM pleasant erotic memories or even the beginning of exploring new aspects of sexuality. And this will help plan the guide you will read below.
What is BDSM anyway?
BDSM is an acronym. It is deciphered using a couple of letters. The database is slavery and discipline. Bondage is literally tying up and involves some form of immobilization of the lower partner, such as handcuffs, rope bondage (such as Shibari style), gags, blindfolds, etc. Discipline is a habit where the top partner orders the bottom partner and controls his or her pleasure on a mental and psychological level. For example, he orders him to stand in a certain position, stop the prohibition, make him appeal to his eyes or to what he says. DS is dominance and submission (English dominance and submission, hence DS). This is when one partner dominates the couple — giving orders and taking harsher measures — and the other enjoys it. Often dominant and submissive people choose lifelong BDSM lifting. This means that they behave in a spirit of constant dominance and submission, and not just in the bedroom. See sadism and masochism. One partner in a couple likes to be hurt, and the other partner likes to be hurt. Some terms important for BDSM:
- Above and below. English-Dom and Sub.
So, in most cases, those who enjoy BDSM are divided. Some of them are brownies or dominant (upper, also called upper), others are underwater (lower, bottom). Can be gender dominant or submissive. In other words, the dominant can be a man and the submissive can be a woman, or vice versa. However, according to statistics, women are more likely to choose a subordinate role. There are also Tolstoyans — these are people who can act in any role and love to switch from one to another. It is important that the dominant is not equated with a sadist, and the submissive is not equated with a masochist. Couples may enjoy the power dynamics (control, submission, nurturing, the submissive”s ability to transfer control of himself and the opportunity to completely relax to the dominant, but there is no pain in their practice. In different “branches” of BDSM, the dominant and submissive may be called differently. For example, there may be kink, in which the “daddy” (or “mom”) is dominant and the “baby” or “baby” is submissive, respectively. As an alternative, there are games in which whose master and slave (or slaves) have common roles, but the essence is always the same: dominance and submission.
- “Themes” and “vanilla”.
In fact, the theme is BDSM. The term “theme” has its own version in electronic devices, derived from the concept of “dark theme”. There is regular (i. e. normal sex), but darker. According to another version, the theme comes from the concept of “you are in the know” (you are shy, you understand that you are “on your own”). Vanilla is regular sex, “vanilla couples” are a couple who do not use BDSM dynamics in their relationship.
- Session and life.
A session is when a couple decides to engage in BDSM practices and does so, but in everyday life they are not involved in BDSM culture. They fall in love only in this style, but live like an ordinary vanilla couple. Often in the BDSM community, a dominant or submissive is looking for a partner for sessions without a long-term relationship. Life lifting is when a couple lives by the rules, using the dynamics of BDSM in bonding. This means that the dominant can order the submissive not only in bed, but also in everyday life. Safety, spontaneity and rationality. Basic rules of BDSM. BDSM practice is carefully discussed between partners, partners take steps to ensure maximum safety and agree on all details. In this case, they must be clearly aware of their actions and stop if they believe that the action is becoming dangerous, even if their partner asks them to continue. In fact, the central issue in all of this is the dynamics of power, control, and submission. BDSM is when one person in a couple gives power and control to the other, and both enjoy it. An important point: the world of BDSM is diverse. “Honey, spread your legs, daddy wants to see you” — this is BDSM, like dirty in-shaming or slapping. BDSM can be called spectral. And no one is obliged to resort to harsh sadism and masochism, brutal violence, verbal humiliation and quickly join this culture. You and your partner choose practices that are acceptable and comfortable for you and start with them. And if it doesn”t pull you anywhere, they will stop there. BDSM is needed for pleasant sensations, for pleasure and sexual release, and not to prove something to someone.
A little about security
The preparatory stage of BDSM is the longest. So first things first.
- You need a partner you completely trust.
Don”t get me wrong: even the mildest BDSM practices often contain an element of helplessness. If you are submissive, then they will tie you with belts, blindfold you, order you to do something to you, force you to do it easily (for example, slap you), but at the same time they will hurt you, punish you and reward you. It”s interesting, but you should know that there are people who can take advantage of it.
For example, pretend you don”t hear the safe word (explained below), “tie” and “do what he wants” beyond what you agreed on. Unfortunately, there are stories of negligence where a girl allowed herself to be tied up and then the man did something very bad to her. (Sex). Therefore, before you decide to practice BDSM, ask yourself: do you really trust your partner? Do you think he won”t hurt you or stop you if he asks?
- There is no doping.
In other words, no alcohol or other substances, no clouding of consciousness. Especially if you dominate and the pleasure and safety of your submission depends on you. The fact is that alcohol disrupts communication between the brain and body. You cannot react to what needs to be reacted to. You can”t fix it in time. After all, you may forget your safe word at the worst possible time. If you are dominant, you may move too harshly and harshly, causing more pain than you are comfortable with. Therefore, alcohol is strictly prohibited during BDSM sessions.
- Safe words.
A necessary element of BDSM practice. A safe word is a word that can be spoken by either the dominant or the submissive, after which all activities will immediately cease. It should be a word that should not be said during sexual practice, and should be inappropriate to avoid being said accidentally. For example, “pineapple”, “public” — whatever. It is important that the word is not so complex, because under the influence of strong emotions (from sexual arousal to fear) a person may simply forget it. If the practice of sealing the mouth as a sign of submission is planned, the joke must be stopped. Participants in a BDSM session should have the tools to stop the practice if it is painful, uncomfortable or scary. An important point for employees: don’t be afraid to use safe words. They are necessary for your safety and comfort. Use safe words with little discomfort and behave correctly 100% of the time. If your dominant puts you down or gets offended by your use of safe words, that is a very bad dominant and therefore it is best not to engage in normal sex or topics. An important point for the dominant: if the submissive uses safe words, stop immediately. BDSM is built on trust, and this is an important element of this culture. Your submissive trusts you and allows you to do painful and dangerous things to him. Don”t betray his trust and don”t manipulate his feelings of guilt about this. At the end of the day, be a normal person.
- Physical security.
If before carrying out BDSM and neutralizing the results you go into the wrong place, everything you need should be at hand.
It all depends on what methods you plan to use (burn spray, bruise ointment, sedatives) if you plan to play with wax.
Read also: A complete guide to handcuffs in BDSM: where to buy and how to use so you and your partner have discussed the possibility of BDSM. Or you may not have a significant other and try to embark on this adventure on your own. But.
Important: If you plan to use the device, it can be easily removed. For handcuffs, the key should be somewhere nearby or at hand. For ropes, have reliable scissors nearby to quickly cut. In sex shops, it is recommended to use special devices rather than improvised means, since special devices are designed for easy and quick removal. For example, when playing with handcuffs, Velcro handcuffs are the best choice. This is due to the fact that such keys will definitely not be lost.
- Sexual safety
Of course, BDSM does not cancel the basic rules of sexual intercourse — only condoms, condoms are different for different sexual acts and not for everyone. STSPP can be transmitted from anyone, regardless of sexual preference.
Where to start?
Because the world of BDSM is so diverse, it makes most sense to explore sexual fantasies starting with masturbation. Before you start practicing BDSM, you need to understand in as much detail as possible what you like and what causes sharp and decisive rejection. How do you do it?
- First, it is helpful to view pornographic materials.
This includes pornographic films, erotic photographs, erotic stories and audio recordings. Read, watch and listen to them and remember what you especially like, what turns you on and what you think about when you masturbate. You may already have erotic fantasies related to BDSM. Please note that in this case, you should not immediately begin to fully understand this fantasy, especially if it is of a violent nature (for example, rape with strangulation, sex in public places, bondage, fantasies of complete submission, etc.), and the like). Real emotions are different from fantasies because fantasies are completely under your control and can be stopped at any time. Therefore, it is recommended to move gradually. public places, but already nearby.
- Second, try doing it backwards.
If you have problems with something you like, identify what you don”t like and what thoughts cause discomfort or rejection. For example, most people don”t like toilet fetishes (pee, feces). They may be frightened by the idea of being completely restrained and immobilized, or role-playing may cause ideological rejection. Refers to sad historical events. It will tell you which direction to go, dominate or submit, and in which specific areas you have an advantage.
- Connect with people who practice it.
The “subjects” community is usually very friendly and informative, and you can easily find articles on a wide variety of topics. For example, from the management code of ethics to specific actions to take in the event of a rope burn. You can read the material and meet with someone to share information. Warn them of all the pitfalls, as subjects are usually adults, calm and reasonable people who know better than anyone how dangerous their hobby can be. For example, wearing high heels to a BDSM session is a very bad idea, regardless of whether you”re dominant or submissive. Since BDSM is very physical, it”s recommended to wear comfortable shoes or go barefoot. Otherwise, your feet will tire very quickly.
Preparatory stage with a partner
Some issues have already been touched upon above: the importance of safe words and consent. Let”s discuss this in more detail.
- The first step is to clarify your fantasies in more detail. The Hat Game is perfect for this. It”s very simple at its core. Each partner writes down their desired practices and sexual fantasies on a piece of paper. The papers are then placed in a hat and shuffled. Each partner takes out a piece of paper and expresses their opinion: “No, leave me alone, you dirty pervert, ugh, oh my God, and you”ll kiss your mother with these lips,” to “I completely agree, I have these fantasies too, I want to try it.” Another option: “Well, I don”t know, it sounds a bit fishy, but I”m willing to explore this further.” The same game can be played without hats. Each partner simply writes a list and then reads it to each other, with the other partner offering their opinion.
Step two: Once you”ve figured out exactly what you want, it”s time to flesh it out.
- Especially if you”ve decided to go straight to something much more extreme than regular sex, such as bondage, whips, rape, complex dominance or submission, or attempts at play, such as hair removal. Your job is to ensure there are no surprises, with each partner imagining what will happen in minute detail. If one partner wants a surprise and is aroused by the “element of surprise,” this should also be spelled out and boundaries defined.
How I went to the *chapters* BDSM club
How I went to the BDSM club *chapters*
- Birth punishment is not always convenient for BDSM sex. For example, a hotel may be chosen for the first time (or a BDSM session in general). If your partner is feeling shy, awkward and self-conscious, it”s a good idea to make BDSM part of role play. This will allow you to feel more free and comfortable in a liberating way without being completely yourself. If necessary, purchase the necessary equipment. You might want to make collars, blindfolds, ice cube trays, cubes, champagne and strawberries, handcuffs, shot glasses, wraps, masks. If the attributes are professional, they are less likely to be a nuisance. Also keep in mind the points in the above sections regarding mitigation.
What practices are suitable for beginners?
What practices are suitable for beginners?
Spank the buttocks.
- Pressing them to the bed with his hands.
- Handcuffs;
- The use of exogenous elements for eyelashes and caresses (feathers, soft tissues or wool, adult toys, massage oil);
- Temperamental games. Important: Do not use wax immediately. Wax dripping is a specific game that can lead to injury. Ice cubes combined with hot hands are safer.
- More demanding behavior during regular sex: slapping, covering the mouth, grabbing hair.
- More empowering sexual positions.
- For example, from the classic position “rider” in comfortable variations lends itself to female dominance (for example, a man can sit on a chair. Much more, you can lean on his shoulder), and can dominate male dominance — the missionary position, but the woman raises her legs and presses them to her shoulders with her knees.
Dirty talk. Honey, you are so hot and sweet. I want to make you feel good” to “Dirty slut, please tell me you love my cock.”
- Introduction of “thematic” nicknames: for example, “dad” and “baby”, “master” and “slave”.
- Erotic punishment (for example, spanking a submissive who masturbates in the absence of the dominant).
- Orgasm control, or “edging,” is when a woman strokes a man”s penis, but when she sees he”s nearing orgasm, she stops, waits for the arousal to subside, and then starts again. This practice is generally very popular among men.
- Roleplaying with power dynamics: teacher and student, police officer and criminal, guard and prisoner, “stepfather and naughty stepdaughter,” client and prostitute. Playing someone else”s roles relaxes you because you understand what you enjoy most.
- “Beginners” is also a good, gentle variation on the theme of dominance and submission, such as daddy kink and pet play.
In “daddy kink,” as mentioned, the dominant represents “daddy,” and the submissive represents the child. The couple is free to choose the “age” of the imaginary child, which the submissive portrays. The submissive behaves like a child. They play with toys, draw, beg for sweets, and wear children”s clothes. The dominant then cares for the subject but may also punish them, including erotically. In animal play, the dominant represents the master, and the submissive represents the animal. These include cats, dogs, and, less commonly, ponies. The submissive behaves like a pet: crawling on all fours, cuddling, and making sounds appropriate for the animal. Often, the play includes a ban on speaking for the submissive.
This is absolutely not suitable for beginners.
What is absolutely not suitable for beginners
- Must be proficient in rope tying. Rope can cause burns in unfamiliar hands. Otherwise, the dominant will not be able to remove the rope immediately after the safe word is given. This is a skill that requires practice. In this regard, tying is downright dangerous. Incorrectly tying the rope can lead to circulatory problems, pain, and spasms in the submissive. Alternatives: handcuffs. Restraints exist, but they are much safer.
Heart-wrenching games.
- This is generally a very dangerous fetish, and if used, it is done very carefully and sparingly, as breathing problems are very dangerous for the brain and literally for a person”s life. What to do instead: simply place your palm on the submissive”s neck without squeezing. Using this device also requires skill. An unfamiliar hand can cause excessive pain and even injure the submissive. The same applies to a belt. What to do instead: tapping with your hands or replacing the whip with a wide massage brush.
Painful impact on the genitals.
- There is a practice of “stepping on a man”s balls”, slapping the penis or vagina, hitting the balls. Beginners should not take it. The genitals are very fragile, they can be easily injured or seriously damaged, and the consequences can be dire. What to replace it with: humiliating statements about the genitals or games with orgasm?
Toilet fetish.
- It is recommended not to engage in defecation if a couple is just beginning to move into BDSM, as it requires some training and knowledge of the human body. How to replace it: you can try a lighter version of toilet kink: watching your partner wash himself, prohibiting defecation, or talking about erotic fantasies related to this.
Overall, focus on your (and your partner”s) skills, your (and your partner”s) preferences, and remember that one of the key principles of BDSM is rationality.
What to do after a BDSM session?
What to do after a BDSM session?
Complete release of submissives from all restrictions (handcuffs, gags, restrictions).
- Take water and food with you, because after several hours of strong emotions and sensations, the body needs food and, possibly, water.
- Take a bath to wash off the sweat and feel better.
- Hug him, pat him on the head and tell him that he is great, he copes with everything, bears it, pushes himself and calls on the phone with loving words.
- The main goal of aftercare is to create a sense of safety, peace, and comfort for the submissive, helping them feel calm, release strong emotions, and build an emotional connection and trust. After the session (not necessarily immediately, but a little later is fine), you should discuss everything that happened. What did you like and what didn”t you like? How did both partners feel? Would they like to try it again? Is it like that or something else? Take your time and try many things at once. Move slowly and gradually, following the principle of “if you feel comfortable and good in one practice, move on to another.” Test yourself and create new sensations. Otherwise, you risk mixing everything into one big blob of sensations that you won”t be able to separate and feel comfortable with. Also, remember that the main thing here is to have fun. This is of paramount importance. Try what interests you, and don”t abandon or retreat from it in your sex life. Don”t allow stereotypes (for example, BDSM must include painful habits and restrictions) or manipulation (for example, if your partner starts pressuring you: “Either we make this a BDSM practice, or you don”t love me anymore”)—such as running away) from your partner will affect you. The main thing is that you and your partner are happy, that”s the whole point.
BDSM, complete, guide, solved
