The First Time — What Affects Enjoyment During First-Time Sex?
Thanks to pornography and some works of popular culture, BDSM has moved from the sexual world into an almost natural part of most “vanilla” (that is, normal, non-BDSM) relationships.
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In fact, many sexual practices have been used in couples, even the most mundane ones, often originating from the world of BDSM. For example, spanking on the bed, blindfolds, and dirty talk. It’s no wonder that interest in this culture is constantly growing.
However, BDSM can be dangerous. That’s its nature, isn’t it? The feeling of complete power from another person is worsened by practices that border on the point where one partner might feel submissive.
It’s exciting—but everything must be carefully thought out and planned in advance to ensure that this first step into the world of BDSM remains a pleasant erotic experience, or even the beginning of exploring new aspects of sexuality.
And this will help you plan the guide you’ll read below.
What_is_BDSM_in_general
BDSM is an acronym. It stands for a couple of letters.
The database is about bondage and discipline.
Bondage is literally tying up and involves some form of immobilization of the bottom partner, such as handcuffs, rope tying (such as shibari), gagging, blindfolds, etc.
Discipline is the habit of the top partner commanding the bottom and controlling their pleasure on a mental and psychological level. For example, he orders the other person to assume a certain position, stop refusing to obey, force them to look at their eyes, or listen to what they’re saying.
Dominance and submission (DS) is when one partner dominates the relationship—giving orders and taking more forceful measures—while the other enjoys it. Dominants and submissives often choose a lifelong BDSM relationship. This means they engage in a spirit of constant dominance and submission, and not just in the bedroom.
See sadism and masochism. One partner in a relationship enjoys being hurt, while the other enjoys being hurt.
Some terms important to BDSM:
- Higher and lower. English: Dom and Sub.
Thus, in most cases, those who enjoy BDSM are divided. Some are dominatrixes or dominants (tops, also called tops), while others are submersibles (bottoms). A dominant or submissive can be gender-specific. In other words, the dominant can be a man and the submissive a woman, or vice versa. However, statistically, women more often choose the submissive role.
There are also Tolstoyans—people who can play any role and love to switch between them.
It’s important that the dominant isn’t equated with a sadist, and the submissive isn’t equated with a masochist. Couples can enjoy power dynamics (control, submission, care, the submissive’s ability to transfer control, and the ability to fully relax to the dominant), but their practice is pain-free.
In different “branches” of BDSM, the dominant and submissive may be referred to differently. For example, there may be a kink in which the “daddy” (or “mommy”) dominates, and the “baby” or “baby” are submissive, respectively. Alternatively, there are games in which the master and slave (or slaves) share roles. But the essence is always the same: dominance and submission.
- “Themes” and “vanilla.”
Actually, the theme is BDSM. The term “theme” has its own version in electronic devices, derived from the concept of “dark theme.” There is regular (i.e., normal sex), but darker. According to another version, the theme comes from the concept of “you’re in the theme” (you’re shy, you’re You understand that you’re “on your own.”
Vanilla is regular sex; “vanilla couples” are couples who don’t use BDSM dynamics in their relationship.
- Session and Life.
A session is when a couple decides to engage in BDSM practices and does so, but in their everyday life, they aren’t involved in BDSM culture. They fall in love only in this style, but live like a regular vanilla couple. Often in the BDSM community, a dominant or submissive seeks a partner for sessions without a long-term relationship.
Lifelifting is when a couple lives by the rules, using BDSM dynamics in bondage. This means that the dominant can command the submissive not only in bed but also in everyday life.
Safety, spontaneity, and rationality. The basic rules of BDSM.
BDSM practices are carefully discussed by partners, and partners take steps to ensure maximum safety and They agree on all the details. In this case, they must be clearly aware of their actions and stop if they believe the action is becoming dangerous, even if their partner asks them to continue.
In fact, the key here is the dynamics of power, control, and submission. BDSM is when one person in a couple transfers power and control to the other, and both enjoy it.
An important point: the world of BDSM is diverse. “Honey, spread your legs, daddy wants to see you” is BDSM, just like dirty in-shaming or a slap in the face. BDSM can be considered a spectrum. And no one is forced to embrace hardcore sadism and masochism, brutal violence, verbal humiliation, and quickly become accustomed to this culture.
You and your partner choose practices that are acceptable and comfortable for you, and start with them. And if they don’t draw you anywhere, they will stop there. BDSM is for pleasant sensations, pleasure, and sexual release, not for the sake of To prove something to someone.
A Little About Safety
The preparatory stage of BDSM is the longest. So, first things first.
- You need a partner you completely trust.
Understand this: even the most gentle BDSM practices often contain an element of helplessness. If you’re submissive, you’ll be tied up, blindfolded, ordered to do something, forced to do it lightly (like a slap), but also subjected to pain, punishment, and reward. This is exciting, but you should be aware that there are people who might take advantage of this.
For example, pretend you don’t hear the safe word (explained below), “tie,” and “do whatever he wants” beyond what you agreed upon. Unfortunately, there are stories of carelessness where a woman allowed herself to be tied up, and then the man did something very bad to her. (Sex).
Therefore, before you decide to engage in BDSM, ask yourself: do you really trust your partner? Do you think they won’t hurt you or stop you if asked?
- No performance enhancing drugs.
In other words, no alcohol or other substances, no impaired judgment. Especially if you’re dominant and the pleasure and safety of your submissive depends on you.
The fact is that alcohol disrupts communication between the brain and the body. You can’t respond to what needs to be responded to. You can’t correct it in time. Ultimately, you might forget your safe word at the most inopportune moment. If you’re dominant, you might move too abruptly and harshly, causing more pain than you agree to.
Therefore, alcohol is strictly prohibited during BDSM sessions.
- Safe words.
An essential element of BDSM practice. A safe word is a word that can be spoken by either the dominant or the submissive, immediately stopping all activity.
It should be a word that cannot be spoken during sexual activity, and inappropriately, so as not to be accidentally said. For example, “pineapple,” “public,” or anything else. It’s important that the word isn’t too complex, as strong emotions (from sexual arousal to fear) can cause a person to simply forget it.
If a practice involving mouth sealing as a sign of submission is planned, it’s essential to stop the practice. Participants in a BDSM session should have the means to stop the practice if it’s painful, uncomfortable, or frightening.
An important point for staff: don’t be afraid to use safe words. They are essential for your safety and comfort. Use safe words with a little discomfort, and behave correctly 100% of the time. If your dominant humiliates you or is offended by your use of safe words, they are a very bad dominant, and therefore it’s best not to engage in normal sex or other topics.
An important point for dominants: if a submissive uses safe words, stop immediately. BDSM is built on trust, and this is an essential element of this culture. Your submissive trusts you and allows you to do painful and dangerous things to them. Don’t betray their trust or manipulate their guilt about it. Ultimately, be a normal person.
- Physical safety.
If you enter an inappropriate area before engaging in BDSM and neutralizing the results, make sure you have everything you need within reach.
It all depends on what methods you plan to use (burn spray, bruise ointment, sedatives) if you plan to play with wax.
Read also: A Complete Guide to Handcuffs in BDSM: Where to Buy and How to Use
So, you and your partner have discussed the possibility of BDSM. Or perhaps you’re single and want to try this adventure on your own. But…
Important: If you plan to use a device, it should be easily removable. For handcuffs, the key should be nearby or handy. For ropes, sturdy scissors should be nearby for quick cutting. In sex shops, it’s recommended to use specialized devices rather than improvised means, as specialized devices are designed for easy and quick removal. For example, when playing with handcuffs, Velcro handcuffs are the best choice. This is because they ensure keys won’t get lost.
- Sexual Safety
Of course, BDSM doesn’t change the basic rules. Sexual intercourse requires condoms. Condoms are different for different sexual acts and not for everyone. STIs can be transmitted from anyone, regardless of sexual preference.
Where to start?
Since the world of BDSM is so diverse, it’s most practical to explore sexual fantasies starting with masturbation. Before you begin practicing BDSM, you need to understand as thoroughly as possible what you enjoy and what triggers a sharp and decisive rejection.
How do you do this?
- First, it’s helpful to view pornographic materials.
This includes pornographic films, erotic photographs, erotic stories, and audio recordings. Read, watch, and listen to them and remember what you particularly enjoy, what turns you on, and what you think about when you masturbate.
Perhaps you already have erotic fantasies related to BDSM. Please note that in this case, you shouldn’t immediately jump into fully exploring this fantasy, especially if it is violent in nature (e.g., rape with strangulation, sex in public places, bondage, fantasies of complete submission, etc., and the like).
Real emotions differ from fantasies, as fantasies are completely under your control and can be stopped at any time. Therefore, it is recommended to move gradually. Public places, but already nearby.
- Second, try doing it “backwards.”
If you have problems with something you enjoy, identify what you don’t enjoy and what thoughts cause discomfort or aversion. For example, most people dislike fetishes related to the toilet (urine, feces).
They may be terrified by the idea of being completely bound and immobilized, or role-playing may trigger an ideological rejection. This refers to tragic historical events.
It will tell you which direction to take, whether to dominate or submit, and in what specific areas you have an advantage.
- Connect with people who practice this.
The “subjects” community is usually very friendly and informative, and you can easily find articles on a wide variety of topics. For example, from the leadership code of ethics to specific actions to take in the event of a rope burn.
You can familiarize yourself with the material and meet with someone to exchange information. Warn them of all the pitfalls, as subjects are usually adults, calm and reasonable people who know better than anyone how dangerous their hobby can be.
For example, wearing high heels to a BDSM session is a very bad idea, regardless of whether you are dominant or submissive. Since BDSM is very intense, it’s recommended to wear comfortable shoes or go barefoot. Otherwise, your feet will tire very quickly.
Preparatory Stage with a Partner
Some issues have already been touched upon above: the importance of safe words and consent. Let’s discuss these in more detail.
- The first step is to clarify your fantasies in more detail.
The Hat Game is ideal for this. It’s very simple at its core. Each partner writes down their desired practices and sexual fantasies on a piece of paper. The papers are then placed in a hat and shuffled.
The partner takes out a leaflet and expresses his or her attitude towards it: “No, leave me alone, you dirty pervert, ugh, my God, and you’ll kiss your mother with these lips,” to “I completely support it, I have these fantasies too, I want to try it.” Another option: “Well, I don’t know, it sounds a bit suspicious, but I’m willing to look into this further.
The same game can be played without hats. Each partner simply writes a list and then reads it to the other, with the other partner expressing their opinion.
- Step two: Once you’ve figured out exactly what you want, it’s time to make it more specific.
This is especially true if you’ve decided to start with something much more extreme than regular sex, such as bondage, whips, rape, complex dominance or submission, or attempts at play, such as hair removal.
Your goal is to ensure there are no surprises, with each partner imagining what will happen in minute detail. If one partner wants a surprise and is aroused by the “element of surprise,” this should also be spelled out, and boundaries should be defined.
How I went to the BDSM club *chapters*
It’s important to discuss taboos in advance. Besides discussing them, it’s also a good idea to write them down. This way, if your partner violates the taboo, they won’t have the option to walk away and pretend the agreement never existed. Also, don’t forget to discuss the Safe Word.
- Step Three: Choose a location and props.
Birth punishments aren’t always suitable for BDSM sex. For example, a hotel might be the perfect setting for the first time (or a BDSM session in general). If your partner feels shy, awkward, and inhibited, it’s a good idea to incorporate BDSM into roleplay. This will help you feel more free and comfortable, bringing release without being completely yourself.
If necessary, acquire the necessary equipment. You might want to consider collars, blindfolds, ice cube trays, champagne and strawberry ice cubes, handcuffs, shot glasses, wraps, and masks. If the paraphernalia is professional-grade, it’s less likely to be uncomfortable. Also, remember the points in the sections above regarding mitigation.
Which practices are suitable for beginners?
These are good places to start if your couple will never have a bondage relationship:
- Spanking the buttocks.
- Pressing them to the bed with your hands.
- Handcuffs;
- Using exogenous elements for eyelashes and caresses (feathers, soft fabrics or wool, adult toys, massage oil);
- Temperamental play. Important: Don’t use wax immediately. Dripping wax is a specific game that can lead to injury. Ice cubes combined with hot hands are safer.
- More demanding behavior during regular sex: slapping, gagging, hair grabbing.
- More sexual positions that expand possibilities.
For example, the classic “rider” position can be modified to allow for female dominance (for example, the man can sit on a chair. More comfortably, you can lean on his shoulder). The missionary position can also be used for male dominance, but the woman lifts her legs and pins them to her shoulders with her knees.
- Dirty talk. Honey, you’re so hot and sweet. “I want to make you feel good” to “Dirty slut, please tell me you love my cock.”
- Introduction of “thematic” nicknames: for example, “daddy” and “baby,” “master” and “slave.”
- Erotic punishment (for example, spanking a submissive who masturbates in the dominant’s absence).
- Orgasm control or “edging,” when a woman strokes a man’s penis, but when she sees that he is close to climax, she stops, waits for the arousal to subside, and then starts again. This practice is generally very popular among men.
- Role-playing with power dynamics: teacher and student, policeman and criminal, guard and prisoner, “stepfather and naughty stepdaughter,” client and prostitute. By playing other people’s roles, you relax because you understand that you are more I like it.
“Beginners” is also a good, softer take on the theme of dominance and submission, like daddy kink and pet play.
In “daddy kink,” as mentioned above, the dominant represents the “daddy,” and the submissive represents the child. The couple is free to choose the “age” of the imaginary child, which the submissive represents. The submissive behaves like a child. They play with toys, draw, beg for sweets, and wear children’s clothes. The dominant then cares for them, but may also punish them, including erotically.
In animal play, the dominant represents the owner, and the submissive represents the animal. These include cats, dogs, and, less commonly, ponies. The submissive behaves like a pet: they crawl, cuddle, and make sounds appropriate for the animal. Often, the play includes a ban on speaking for the submissive.
What_is_absolutely_not_suitable_for_beginners
- Rope tying, especially tying techniques (artistic tying in beautiful positions, often with perfectly secured rope).
Must be proficient in rope tying. Rope can cause burns in unfamiliar hands. Otherwise, the dominant person will not be able to remove the rope immediately after the safe word is given. This is a skill that requires practice.
In this regard, tying rope is downright dangerous. Incorrectly tying the rope can lead to poor circulation, pain, and spasms in the submissive.
What to replace it with: handcuffs. Restraints exist, but they are much safer.
- Heart-rending games.
This is generally a very dangerous fetish, and if used, it should be done very carefully and sparingly, as breathing problems are very dangerous for the brain and, literally, for a person’s life.
Substitute: Simply place your palm on the submissive’s neck without squeezing.
Using this device also requires skill. An unfamiliar hand can cause excessive pain and even injure the submissive. The same applies to a belt.
Substitute: Use hand taps or replace the whip with a wide massage brush.
- Painful impact on the genitals.
There is a practice of “stepping on a man’s balls,” spanking the penis or vagina, or kicking the balls. Beginners should avoid this. The genitals are very fragile and can easily be injured or seriously damaged, and the consequences can be dire.
What to replace it with: derogatory remarks about genitals or orgasm games?
- Toilet fetish.
It is recommended to avoid defecation if a couple is just beginning to move on to BDSM, as this requires some preparation and knowledge of the human body.
How to replace it: You can try a lighter version of toilet kink: watching your partner ablutions, forbidding them from defecation, or discussing erotic fantasies related to this.
Overall, focus on your (and your partner’s) skills, your (and your partner’s) preferences, and remember that one of the key principles of BDSM is rationality.
What to do after a BDSM session?
The sexual impact of BDSM styles on a person is often very intense, causing them to experience strong physical and emotional sensations. Therefore, aftercare is usually practiced after a BDSM session.
For example, it can be varied:
- Completely release the submissive from all restraints (handcuffs, gags, restraints).
- Bring water and food with you, as after several hours of intense emotions and sensations, the body needs food and possibly water.
- Take a bath to wash off sweat and feel better.
- Hug them, stroke their head, and tell them they’re doing well, handling everything, carrying it, pushing themselves, and calling them on the phone with loving words.
The main goal of aftercare is to create a sense of safety, peace, and comfort for the submissive, to help them feel calm, release strong emotions, and build an emotional connection and trust.
After the session (not necessarily immediately, but a little later), you should discuss everything that happened. What did you like and dislike? How did both partners feel? Would they like to try it again? Is it this way or something else?
Take your time and try many things at once. Move slowly and gradually, following the principle of “if you feel comfortable and good in one practice, move on to another.” Test yourself and create new sensations. Otherwise, you risk blending everything into one big lump of sensations that you won’t be able to separate and feel normal.
Also, remember that the main thing here is to have fun. That’s paramount.
Try what interests you, and don’t abandon or deviate from it in your sex life. Don’t allow stereotypes (for example, BDSM must include painful habits and restrictions) or manipulation (for example, if your partner starts pressuring you: “Either we make this a BDSM practice, or you won’t love me anymore”)—such as running away) from your partner to affect you. The main thing is that you and your partner have a good time; that’s the whole point.
