Why does my husband sleep separately? What should a wife do and are there any benefits? Psychologists” advice
For most people, the concept of “living together” or especially “marriage” means sleeping in the same bed. When someone claims to sleep separately, it can cause confusion and resentment. What is love and sleeping together? Why is it so important?
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To understand the reasons for such a reverent attitude towards the idea of sleeping together, we probably need to start with the distant past.
A brief excursion into history
Let”s imagine when and why our ancestors began sleeping together.
If we look at the origins of human existence as a species, our lives are no different from the lives of groups of animals. Survival conditions were so harsh that, at the dawn of human existence, communities—tribes and families—probably usually slept and disappeared into the mountains. Humans had to be tough, as they had no knowledge of fire and hadn”t yet picked up a stick or a sharply polished stone to extract warm skin. In those days, maintaining and preserving warmth together was essential for safety.
A little later, when the ancestors were scattered across a rather comfortable, independent communal cave, heated by a bone robot, sleep became more difficult, and couples could now break out. Firstly, it was easier to preserve the other half. Partners couldn”t switch under cover of night.
Secondly, if a woman was kept in the cave as legitimate prey (remember how glorious it was to pull the chosen one”s hair, and the woman was the only one who got away with it), she was not allowed to leave the cave. With a man around, she couldn”t escape. Thirdly, a woman felt safe under her partner”s protection, and even in those distant times, a woman”s composure meant a lot. Not feeling safe is still a gift.
Moreover, during the dark and troubled times, people in the village slept little—not every house had a bed, and there wasn”t much room to stretch out on a bench. Where spouses found the opportunity to have sex was a major problem. Village huts usually had only one room, making it easier to heat. Perhaps this is why they were so popular in the bathhouse village. They washed the babies, sent them home, and drank tea with their grandmothers—and they could take their time indulging in the pleasures of the flesh. You”d wash and assault them with a broom at the same time.
Wealthy aristocratic families were usually reserved. They lived in separate halves of the house, not to mention sleeping together. So they visited when necessary. It must be said that such needs arose infrequently. Generally, they were insecure and considered marital fidelity to be a mere whim. Only merchants and a few city dwellers could afford to share a bed. Husbands and wives sharing a bed is a relatively recent occurrence, at least in Russia. No one was richer or nobler than he. In villages, rooms had beds and partitions.
Shared dreams became an integral part of family life. Incidentally, it was still warm and settled. In general, there are several interesting statistics. In harsh and difficult times, more children were often produced and more children were born than were supported (the invention of reliable contraception has slightly changed these statistics). In general, in difficult times, people sought solace in sex—that”s a fact.
A nightstand between beds
Dreams of separated spouses have entered slang as synonyms for “divorce and a nightstand between nightstands.”
A nightstand between the beds
A different dream only arises when a child arrives. It was more convenient for a woman to get up several times a night, often sleeping in to get enough sleep. This often interferes with a man”s morning commute to work, and the decision is made in another bed. Time will tell whether the couple will reunite. Unfortunately, marital discord often begins only now. The statistics are relentless. Almost one in five divorces occurs during the first year of a child”s life. Could all this be just another dream, something to blame?
Let us leave aside the moral and ethical aspects of this fact. Much has been written about the need to share childcare responsibilities. And indeed: the wife is on maternity leave, the husband is working, and only she can feed the child. What about the other, psychological aspect? In fact, we are not that far from our cave ancestors. Hugs in a dream give a feeling of comfort and intimacy, in a sense confirming a man”s right to a woman. She finds peace and tranquility. In our dreams, we forget about gender equality and become only men and women.
Read also:
Should you sleep together or separately: the pros and cons
Every year, various psychological trends become more and more apparent. One of them concerns the controversial topic of sleeping together or separately. V It is a big misconception that women, more than ever, need affirmation of love and care from men to share a bed during difficult times. Of course, sometimes you can sleep on separate sofas, preferably in different rooms, but this should be the exception rather than the rule. Hugs, love, even the simple closeness of bodies during sleep are very important elements of a relationship. Their capabilities must be supported at all costs
Not joy
However, there are times in the lives of many couples when the fact that partners or spouses sleep separately ceases to be such a traumatic moment. If age-related difficulties are caused by sleep or health problems, you may have to sacrifice some time in the same bed.
Not a joy
For some people, sleep is so important that even serious problems can”t force them to snuggle up between their beds and the proverbial nightstand. Even in old age, the ability to feel the warmth of each other’s bodies continues to be one of the main needs for a loving spouse. Married beds will be empty only in one case — if one of them does not.
If the decision of each person to sleep separately is dictated by objective reasons, then living together will almost certainly bring both benefits and suffering from it. The sacrificed nighttime intimacy of a partner only further arouses the desire to fully conquer her in the evening. She can and should redouble the affection they show each other during the day. After all, they spend several hours apart!
What psychologists say
As is often the case, expert opinions are completely different. Some believe that sleeping together only strengthens relationships, while separate beds ruin them. Others argue that it”s the exact opposite. Who”s right?
What psychologists say
The ability to be intimate at any time.
More time for communication. Whispering before bed is a great idea.
- The feeling of your partner”s body pressed against yours while you sleep gives you a feeling of comfort and security.
- My husband sleeps on the couch. After an argument, we sleep separately / my husband sleeps separately / psychologist”s advice
- Disadvantages of sleeping together:
Some people snoring or other sleep patterns interfere with sleep.
- One person”s restless sleep can disrupt the other”s.
- Advantages of sleeping separately:
- Private space;
The ability to choose your own sleeping arrangements;
- The ability to read or watch TV quietly when dreams come, without disturbing the other person”s light.
- No one kicks in the night or puts their limbs on their partner.
- Disadvantages of sleeping separately:
- As always, the truth lies somewhere in the middle. Of course, this should be done if the reasons for the breakup and separation are serious and objective. But be sure to fight to the end for intimate evening relations.
Of course, everyone is free to choose what is most comfortable for them. However, it”s worth remembering that at the beginning of your honeymoon, most likely, nothing prevented you from getting a good night”s sleep together. Warm embraces protected you from the cold fresh air from the open window. A hot body under the covers instantly became aroused.
Even if something suddenly begins to interfere, you need to Consider whether everything is okay with your relationship. Perhaps snoring isn”t the cause. Happy, healthy spouses rarely need space. For them, being together is happiness. This happens because everyone works during the day, and night is the only time they truly belong.
Another objective reason for sleeping is simply a medical exemption, such as physical education at school. However, loving couples always violate the regime established by doctors. Under no circumstances should a child be the reason for the parents” separation. This is detrimental to the family and brings children together.
Is the third one redundant?
When the baby arrives, it’s still worth stopping separately. Of course, this is a rather difficult time and a real test for marital relationships. It is noteworthy that our ancestors had “as many children as God would send.” Is it a miracle or a rational distribution of time and effort?
Is the third one a wheel?
Perhaps the fact is that in those ancient times, spouses always remembered that they were most important to each other. Children are loved and very important for every little person, but they become parents not so much after 18-20 years, but as spouses united in a family for life. Divorce had not yet been invented.
It turns out that the children did not destroy the family, but tied it together. Mothers did not have to decide what was more important: spending the night with their husbands or rocking their children in their arms. The cradle was busy with the child. This did not happen to our great-grandmother from her husband”s bed.
By the way, many modern parents, who have calmly overcome not only the birth of their first, but also their second and third children, try to learn as much as possible from the experience of their ancestors. Taking a child to bed is not a problem, not a violation of hygiene, but a convenient way to sleep.
The child feels close to his mother and father and falls asleep completely, the parents also fall asleep, and the whole family unites in the small space of a common bed. And for the most important ones, the baby can be carefully transferred to a nearby crib. In any case, if someone turns out to be superfluous in the marriage bed, it should be remembered that this is the youngest member of the family and, in any case, the father.
Remember that marital intimacy is not only sex and not even the unity of souls. There are times when you literally need to understand a language. Intimacy is when your hearts beat close to each other, when you are pressed together as closely as possible most of the time, as much as possible.
Husband and wife sleep separately/relationship psychology/family psychology
Sleeps, separately, to his wife
