How to Stop Worrying and Start Having Sex in Quarantine
According to one study conducted by the Kinsey Institute in Indiana, 24% of respondents (who were married) reported having sex more often than before the pandemic. Seventeen percent of women in the same study reported a decrease in both sexual and emotional satisfaction in their relationships with their partners since the start of the pandemic. Their sex life also suffered because another study found the third couple was no longer compatible when the coronavirus began to spread.
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This is all sad, but actually completely normal. A sharp increase in stress levels, because the average person”s brain is afraid of getting sick, losing a job or losing a loved one, with changes in life, 24 hours a day, lining up four walls with a partner and children (and you still need to study and need a computer to do work).
Emily Nagoski, sex educator, researcher and author of Come As As Are: The Gappy New Science of Your Sex Life, analyzed the factors that influence sexual and emotional health and made some recommendations. They are based on her knowledge of the workings of the human brain.
Tips on how to improve your well-being and sex life during a pandemic
- Changing perspectives.
Many social expectations are related to gender. Something like this: it is assumed that men have superior sex and want it always, everywhere and many times. A woman should love vaginal, anal and oral sex. Otherwise, it”s notoriously long-winded. Couples should have a lot of sex. It is recommended that they make contact at the first opportunity. No matter what stage their relationship is at and what the state of the world is.
So: there is no right way to have sex. And there is no right frequency of sex. “You need to have sex at least three times a week, and you need to have sex at least three times a week. Otherwise, you will only find divorce and death” If you read this, then it is a lie. The most important thing in this matter is you and your partner, pleasure and joy. Everything, nothing else matters.
And this is absolutely normal; Dr. Nagoski believes that during a pandemic, when you are surrounded by stress from literally all sides, you experience less sexual desire than usual. Stress slows down all other systems and bodily desires except those aimed at survival. Ultimately, in the absence of suitable conditions, even animals will not reproduce.
So, most likely, you don”t need to change anything, but you do need to relax, exhale and calm down. You can have sex (or not) as often as you like. The main thing is that he is free. “I need it,” “I have the opportunity,” “he asks,” and not because he brings pleasure.
The idea of spontaneous sex is too romantic in society. As if — and sexual desire turns on. Or gets excited simply by the sight and proximity of a loved one. No, this is really happening. But the first is when you are young, hormones are raging and even a stool seems sexy, and the second is at the beginning of a relationship, when the brain is again bombarded with hormones.
Read also: Sex at a distance. How to do it correctly?
They love, but are far from each other. Everything seems to be fine, communication, phone calls, video calls. There is a connection, and it is established. Only one thing is missing.
This happens later, and according to Dr. Nagoski”s research, only 15% of people regularly experience irrational sexual desire. Others begin to experience it when they realize that they are in some kind of sexual situation, when they are already involved in some kind of sexual interaction, such as hugging, kissing or a romantic setting.
Therefore, it is very important to organize such interactions yourself. You can do the following:
- Show sensual and romantic attention to each other outside of bed. Gentle kisses, hugs, sitting on a partner”s lap, hair pulling, light playful caresses that do not lead to sex, romantic or erotic messages — anything that helps each other feel needed and gives a feeling of anticipation of an intimate moment.
- Ideal for communication. As a rule, on topics of a personal and intimate nature. Share erotic and sensual experiences with each other, tell each other what you like about your sex life with your partner and what you would like to repeat. It is important that this is done kindly, lovingly, warmly and frankly, and not in the form of criticism.
- Treat each other with compassion and kindness.
- Spend time together, focusing on each other, just the two of you, without thinking about anyone else.
Also, schedule a time when you”re ready to commit to each other in a literal and sensual way. Cuddling, kissing, foreplay, caresses, and, if necessary, intercourse (or none of these). As clinical psychologists Peggy Kleinplatz and A. Dana Menard write in their book, “You can”t plan for better sex, but you can consciously create the conditions for it to happen.”
- Novelty.
Everything new is exciting. This applies to novelty in your sex life and, in general, to anything that literally gets your heart racing. Try something new with your partner. This way, as a study from Indiana University has shown, they will also associate you with something new, which will make them more attractive to you.
Sex in quarantine
For example, you could cook a new dish together, go for a bike ride, or take a new exercise class. Trying something new is fun, refreshing, uplifting, and stress-relieving. In short, it creates the right mood for sex.
- Break the stress cycle.
Here”s how.
When the brain senses a threat, the sympathetic nervous system is activated. The sympathetic nervous system sends adrenaline and cortisol into the bloodstream to help fight the danger, whether it”s flight or fight.
When the threat disappears, the parasympathetic nervous system is activated, shifting the body from fight-or-flight mode to a calm state. And in this state, the body says, “I”ve escaped death! Let”s take off my pants and have an orgy of fun!”
In primitive societies, this happens quite simply. You run from lions—you run from lions—and enter a calmer state in which you can experience sexual desire. But in the modern world, especially during a pandemic, stress isn”t as pronounced as it is in lions. Stress seems to come out of nowhere, suddenly, and the body may not understand when stress is still present and when it”s no longer present, and may give you a surge of adrenaline when it”s not. In everyday slang, this can be described as a “phantom sense of timing.”
Physical activity is very helpful for breaking the stress cycle and transitioning from a stressed state to a state of calm—it helps you release adrenaline and cortisol physiologically, and your body expresses itself figuratively, figuratively, as if you were “leo,” “from.”
So go about your daily activities, run in the evenings or do yoga. You”ll feel calmer and more relaxed afterwards, and the endorphins released during exercise will help you experience stronger sexual desire.
But overall, be kind to yourself. Listen to your body”s desires, don”t demand too much from it, spend more time with your loved one and try to tell them more often how much you love them. Ultimately, this is exactly what people need when dealing with stress or coronavirus.
