Why is “no” okay? 7 Steps to Safe and Happy BDSM Sex
BDSM lovers know that you have to be very careful not to hurt anyone. Their advice is useful for anyone who has sex, whether you practice these things or not.
BDSM has gained immense popularity recently. Fifty Shades of Gray is a book about relationships based on dominance and submission in sex. American columnist Maureen Dowd devoted her last column to the book, criticizing practitioners of BDSM (which means bondage and dominance, submission and control, sadism and masochism in sexual relationships).
The topic of safe and consensual BDSM is a key theme of the annual Momentum conference. Congress dedicated to issues of sexuality, feminism and relationships. The speeches of the conference speakers and the opinions of experts about what BDSM is and who practices it were collected and analyzed.
Take “no” calmly
Kitty Stryker, a sex worker, performer and expert on BDSM and fetishism in particular, said that just because someone says “no” in the context of sex, it doesn”t mean it”s about you. It simply means that your partner does not want you to participate in the activities that you want. Both those who like to experiment and those who are not used to it must learn to accept failure adequately.
It”s okay to say no
This is directly related to the previous statement. Stryker explains that if your partner says “no” to something you want to do (like kissing or dressing up as a superhero), you shouldn”t get upset and say “yeah, okay, I won”t.” Ultimately, this is a signal that all is not well.
You may need to pay more attention to your partner (or partners) who are only concerned with themselves. The main thing is not to harm him (her) by creating boundaries. Stryker states, “I think we forget that if someone can”t say no, then their yes doesn”t mean anything.”
Learn from your mistakes
Stryker talks about how the BDSM community is saying, “Let”s make Doms admit their mistakes.” This means that most dominants are inconsistent in their sex life. However, it is important that both partners are honest with each other. In particular, she points out that dominants should not pressure their partners into keeping quiet about breaking these agreements in order to maintain a good reputation.
They must understand that a good reputation is not worth keeping silent about “victims.” People who can remind themselves of this are highly respected, Stryker said.
Talk after sex about how it was
Author and gardening activist Clarice Thorne says that in BDSM circles, it”s common to discuss all the details of such sex after it”s over. The reason for this is that body language can be very helpful in understanding whether a person is feeling good or not. However, the language of BDSM is complex. This happens because people can writhe in pain and still experience pleasure.
Therefore, it is very important to discuss what happened face to face and ask: “Did you feel better when you did this?” It is very important to discuss this by asking questions such as. Thorne says such discussions are important for those who practice classical sex.
Talking to your partner doesn”t make you weak
Dr. Ruth Neustifter, a sexuality and relationship expert, says that while it”s not common in BDSM circles to talk during sex, she believes it”s important to develop good communication skills along the way. She stated that sexual intercourse can also be arousing.
The role of such communication is underestimated. “I see a lot of normal couples where it is believed that open communication is an indicator of some kind of vulnerability.” However, it is important to talk to each other about what you want to do and say, and these couples need to learn this kind of open communication from those who practice BDSM and understand that it is not something weird or unnecessary.
Don”t see sex only as an end in itself
Stryker encourages everyone to ask “where do you want to go” rather than “what do you want.” She says sex is a process, not a goal. Therefore, it is worth discussing not what you want to do, but how you want to do it.
Do what you want
K. Thorne warns that before you do this, you need to learn to understand your desires. This doesn”t mean you have to do crazy things. This really means you have to be unusual. The main thing is to know your sexuality and do what you want, regardless of whether it is similar to what others are doing.
