A direct path to disappointment: unconditional love and nothing else
Unconditional love is the ideal of modern relationships. It involves complete acceptance of people as they are. The erroneous belief that such love is accompanied by generosity is firmly rooted in our minds. And people are surprised how you can believe in unconditional feelings and at the same time pragmatically discuss a very “conditional” issue. For example, mutual giving of gifts, rewards for “training” partners, time delay in forgiving offenses. After all, naive ladies and gentlemen assume that if a person loves someone unconditionally, they will never try to manipulate them.
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American psychologist and sexologist Jeremy Nicholson tried to clarify these beliefs. I always tell these clients that they are missing an important difference. And this is what allows them to enjoy unconditional love and build healthy relationships at the same time,” he says in an interview.
Love feelings and relationships: slightly different things
Of course love is very important. It is always a wonderful experience when we finally find someone who loves us freely. In the same way, we can love someone for who they are.” But relationships are a completely different matter. This is a collaborative relationship. Relationships involve specific commitments, cause-and-effect relationships, and decision-making. All this requires high-quality communication and a joint exchange of interests from the members of the couple. Jeremy goes on to explain that there are different rules for love as an emotion and for relationships as a series of decisions. Sometimes, no matter how the other person behaves, your feelings for them remain the same. But in a relationship you always need to be able to draw personal boundaries of what is acceptable and set the right direction. If people relied only on unconditional love in relationships with the opposite sex, they would constantly wipe their feet on them. Unfortunately, this happens to some people. As a rule, they become my clients.”
Read also: Is love not enough? Guarantee of a successful relationship — the character of the partner the main part of dating is attracting interested partners. But as soon as this happens, they are faced with another task: to understand whether it is worth it.
Are the relationships partner or child-parent?
Of course, unconditional love is good. But the problem is that such love is most characteristic of the relationship between mother and child. From a psychological point of view, a mother”s unconditional love for her child is the key to his successful development. Children should not adapt to the demands of their parents. Secondly, they enjoy giving love to their children.
Important differences between mature relationships and parent-child relationships
Nicholson explains that And there are several important points here. In addition, sexologists note the following aspects: Our partners are adults who must manage themselves and their development.
Unconditional love. What is this?
Unconditional love and violation of personal boundaries
“Typically, unconditional love is paramount and undeniable for people who don’t know how to properly protect their personal boundaries,” Nicholson explains. “And it is with people who have questions about themselves that I can combine a practical approach in their relationships with unconditional love.”
In my practice, such clients often encounter what I call a violation of personal boundaries. Perhaps the second partner does not change them. However, there is a darkness that violates other people”s boundaries. For example, he or she may disappear from home for several days. Or limit the possibility of communication with friends, parents and relatives.” “Such people, of course, should learn to be aware of their needs. Often they have experienced psychological trauma and lack of attention from their parents. Mental recovery is a difficult process, but quite possible if necessary. And if this succeeds, then there is no question of how to combine the requirements of unconditional love and a relationship of respect,” Jeremy concludes his interview.
47. conditional and unconditional love. Naha and reality. 100 questions about relationships. Vadim Kurkin
