Go through fire, water and quarantine together: 11 tips from a psychologist
“I can”t take it anymore!”
He chews too loudly. She puts food in a ridiculous refrigerator. He uses too much soap and toilet paper. And it’s not food that’s saved at all. And why do I only deal with children?
Contents of the article:
Sound familiar? You are not alone. All over the world, the number of family scandals — even divorces — is growing. Marriage and the side effects of the 24/7 pandemic state is not a test for the faint of heart.
Anxiety, children, divorce
In conditions of self-dissolution, you have no choice. We must learn to live with each other again. The good news is that you finally have the opportunity to discuss important issues affecting the two of you and your entire family. The bad news: So, you have no idea — if you don”t start resolving long-simmering conflicts now, an explosion will break out.
Anxiety is rising, and people are joining each other in that anxiety, says Julie Schwartz Gottesman, co-founder of the Gottesman Institute for Marriage Counseling. Gottesman has also written several best-selling books with her husband, John.
“So when partners are in an uncomfortable, unstable relationship, stress levels rise. If a couple can”t find a way to relieve that stress together, the relationship begins to break down.”
After the epidemic in China subsided and people were able to leave their homes, the number of divorces increased sharply. And even now, it is obvious that domestic violence is not nonsense. On March 18, family lawyer and Deputy Baroness Fiona Shackletton warned Parliament that families could begin to break apart during times of crisis.
Children were exempted from attending educational institutions. However, no one exempted them from homework. Remember the financial difficulties that lie more on the sword of Damoclam than on millions of people around the world. This pushes couples to the edge of the abyss. Add to this the panic fear of people of getting sick themselves or learning about the illness of a loved one. People have a hard time dealing with so many negative emotions—conflicts about what separation should look like, fears about the future. In English-speaking countries, jokes like this have appeared: “You can’t spell the word divorce without using the word covid.”
Even couples whose relationships are doing well may need help before a disease pandemic hits. Both during the pandemic and after it.
How to survive this difficult time with minimal losses? Publishing Time spoke with three marriage therapist couples (who are married to each other, work and live side by side).
This is not the time for criticism
Now is not the best time to show your partner his mistakes and shortcomings. The most dangerous topic in this regard is financial. That”s why, says relationship therapist Ashley Willis. She co-hosts the Naked Marriage podcast with her husband Dave.
You start pointing your finger up and saying, “I said you shouldn”t do this job!” “It”s so easy to yell, but it”s better to show your partner together that you appreciate everything he does. Thank you for treating me to a good cup of coffee. Even if it’s the 500th cup he’s made,” advises Gottesman.
Helen Rykelly Hunt, along with her husband Harville Hendricks, created a new method of family therapy (topical therapy) and wrote the book “How to Get the Love You Want.” She recommends combining this method of maintaining relationships — every night before going to bed, tell your partner that you were grateful to him today. Every day — at least three points. If you want to get closer, forget about criticism, says Helen.
Read also: The main secrets of a long and happy relationship. Advice from psychologists
Many women dream of a romance that will last a lifetime. So that it’s like in the movies: first meetings, first kisses, weddings, children and other paraphernalia.
Be involved
It seems like your spouse is deliberately avoiding household chores. They may simply be tired or hungry. Or they may have gotten distracted and forgotten about your assignment. Talk to your spouse and don”t lash out. “People often talk, but rarely listen, especially in stressful situations,” says Harville.
Share your thoughts on the pandemic
Your opinions may differ. You don”t have to see the current situation the same way. Instead of arguing and bickering, try to understand why your spouse holds a particular point of view. We all process news about the virus differently. “Turn on empathy and understand your partner”s feelings,” says Gottesman. She and other therapists strongly recommend active listening.
The key is to avoid conflict if you disagree.
Trades and agreements
Your schedule should include time for solitude, even if it”s just 30 minutes a day. Agree with your partner that someone else will do housework or babysitting. It”s like a barter exchange. Find ways to take a break from each other. Talking on the phone or sitting like this isn”t the answer. When you can”t see or hear each other, you each need some alone time.
Basic instinct
Intimacy, as Willis is politely called, is key. Constantly opening up and high levels of stress side by side can negatively impact your sex life. But intimacy is a great way to unwind and take a break from the TV show marathon. “You still need intimacy. Primitive people thought about it, so you can,” says Dave Willis.
Planning
Due to migratory pneumonia and asthma, John Gottesman rarely leaves his home on Washington”s Orcas Island. His wife, Julia, goes shopping. The Gottmans recommend creating a schedule that lists each spouse”s responsibilities every Sunday.
The Willis couple has four children, ages five to 15. Currently, all of them are free from school and at home in Texas. Homeschooling is very difficult for people, says Ashley Willis. She used to be a teacher, but her husband, Dave, is forced to take on a new role. “We all have to do things we”ve never done before,” says Dave.
Child-parent relationships during quarantine
Scandals on schedule
When the conflict gains momentum, it is worth taking a break. But within 24 hours. One of you calls a time out and agrees it”s time to get back to this conversation,” explains Julie. During the break, do your best to calm down. At the appointed time, you calm down and return to the discussion.
No witnesses
Your child doesn”t want to see their parents fight. Willis usually goes for a walk or does something unusual with his children — he takes photographs of all the items on the list. “We communicate best while walking. It”s easy for people to open up when they”re walking side by side, says Ashley.
Sometimes Gottman sits on the bathroom floor, out of earshot, and discusses the conflict.
Respect personal boundaries
Even if your partner doesn”t seem busy at the moment, that doesn”t mean he”s ready to communicate with you or listen to your demands. Harvill suggests clarifying with your partner whether you can even be concerned about him.
For example, she might tell me that she’s busy right now and will be free in ten minutes,” Harvill says of his wife.
It is very important not to violate a person’s personal boundaries. Especially in the current conditions.
Talk about your desires
Of course, your partner is a wonderful person. But he doesn”t know how to read your thoughts at all. Talk about your desires. “When will you start helping me around the house?” Instead of, “I want you to take care of my dinner, like the day before,” say.
“We were working with a huge amount of vapor.” And if you ask what they want, they cannot answer. Men are used to suppressing their emotions — they are brought up that way. Women are used to taking care of everyone except themselves — that’s how they were raised. But the point is, you won”t get what you want unless you say it directly,” says Helen.
Nowadays, everything changes so quickly that it is difficult to keep track of what is happening. Therefore, talk to each other about your desires. Be polite.
Laughter therapy
And if all else fails, use your sense of humor. If you learn to laugh at the situation and at yourself, you can cope with any problem.
