My wife caught me cheating — how do I justify it?
Mostly, in a marriage, someone thinks that one day everything will lead to infidelity on one side or the other. But sometimes it actually happens. And when it does, questions arise about how to move on.
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Of course, it”s safe to say that it”s time to say goodbye. And that”s very logical. Infidelity, even accidental, is not a sign of a healthy and happy relationship, right? Often, people cheat because something is missing in their existing relationship, but they don”t dare say it (or their partner doesn”t listen — that happens too).
However, life is complicated. But what if you already have children, your life is stable, you support each other financially, you love each other, and ultimately, even after the betrayal, you haven”t stopped loving? How can you restore a marriage, especially if the betrayer, the aspect that caused the pain and created this situation, is you yourself?
Acknowledge it
At the stage when the truth is already emerging, the worst thing you can do is make up excuses or deny what happened. “Yes, you understand everything!” “Yes, it”s my sister, my coworker, and my second cousin Efrosinya!” “You jumped to conclusions!” — Bad idea.
Your girlfriend (wife) is in great pain right now. She may want to believe you, but perhaps, if she”s the one making the accusation, it”s so obvious that excuses become unnecessary.
Other forms of denial include blaming your partner and trying to downplay what happened.
For example, “Yes, it wasn”t betrayal.” “We just kissed!” (And don”t you think you”re being philosophical about your wife kissing someone else?), “You were misunderstood,” “It”s not betrayal, it”s just sex, but I only love you”—these are forms of denial through damage. Nothing terrible happened. If it did, you imagined it.”
Or: “You”re just being hysterical, you sinned against me because you made something up yourself!”—This is a form of gaslighting (you”ve convinced your partner that something is wrong with them). This can”t be helped.
It”s rude and humiliating. Your wife isn”t stupid. She knows how to put 2 and 2 together, and she caught you cheating, so forgive your attempt to diminish her accurate perception of reality.
Alternatively, you could ask: “What are you doing on my phone? But how can I trust you!”
All of these behaviors are strictly prohibited. All you have to do is openly admit your guilt, because you are truly responsible. Yes, I deceived you. This is the truth, and I have nothing to justify, I can only ask for forgiveness, but you have the right not to forgive me.” That”s it, period.
Decide what you want
Sit down and try to answer the following questions honestly.
- How do I feel about my wife?
- How do I feel about my mistress?
- Why did I change? What led to this?
- Do I want to continue my marriage or relationship with my mistress? Am I willing to give up one for the other? If yes, then from what and for what?
- What exactly attracts me to this or that option? Do I love this woman or the “related bonuses”? (For example, if we are talking about a wife — an established way of life, mutual friends, if we are talking about a mistress — a feeling of adrenaline)
- Can I really promise that the cheating will stop if our marriage continues? Am I saying this sincerely or because I”m feeling guilty?
Read also: In what cases will it be justified to forgive your wife’s infidelity?
They lived without sadness: everyday life, children, annual vacations to the sea, Sunday trips to their parents’ country house. And here”s news that you don”t expect — mine.
You may need time and space to answer these questions. This is absolutely normal. And usually, whatever decision you make, it is the main one that you are honest with yourself about, and you communicate this honestly to the participants in the love triangle.
Answer her questions
They will definitely arise. When does this happen, for how long, is it one girl or several, do the girls know that you are married or not, and so on.
Answer all questions as honestly and openly as possible. Your wife probably already has a vivid picture of what happened in her head, so there is no need to go into detail. Detailed explanations will only lead to more suffering.
She may start asking “why” and “what did I miss?” she will start asking. It”s a slippery slope.
Yes, perhaps the betrayal did not appear from the very beginning, perhaps something was missing in your marriage, and you went looking for it on the side. It”s true: you have already changed.
But: you have already changed. You have committed a serious offense, you are responsible and therefore have no right to speak in an accusatory tone towards your spouse. This only causes her great pain, because women tend to blame themselves for their partner”s betrayal.
Therefore, when talking about the reasons for cheating, try to use an environmentally friendly “I-message”. Talk about your feelings, but don”t blame her.
Wife cheating on her husband: ✅ what to do if you find out about your spouse’s infidelity
For example: “I felt bored, bored and trapped in routine, everyday life and wanted more exciting experiences.” I suggested that you have fun, go somewhere and change our daily routine, but you refused several times. It was then that I met (lover”s name), who was very cheerful and energetic, and I felt strongly attracted to her because she embodied my thoughts and feelings.
Let her be angry
Your wife will be angry, upset, cry, hurt, blame herself, blame you and think about leaving you. This is all completely normal. You betrayed her trust and sense of security, and now she is under extreme stress. Don”t blame her for these negative feelings because you caused them. Accept her anger and pain and try to comfort her. Express your understanding and support. If she needs time to think, give it.
Destroy the evidence
Even if your wife already knows that you cheated on her, she does not want to see the conventionally red panties on your jacket. Remove the connection and evidence of infidelity so as not to remind and hurt both of you again.
Don”t involve strangers
Strangers (friends, parents) should not know anything about the betrayal. If they find out, the consequences could be unpredictable. Someone blames you, someone blames her, the family is divided into two camps, you are both put under pressure and given unsolicited advice. (regardless of whether we are talking about breaking up or continuing the relationship) — dissatisfaction arises. Therefore there is no need
Especially do not involve children. They are children and you are an adult. Involving children and forcing them to choose and understand the relationship between two healthy heads is simply vile.
Don”t rush things
It is impossible to forgive betrayal in a minute, hour or day. Perhaps your wife will gnaw at you from the inside for a long time, even if she says that she has forgiven you. You betrayed her trust and now your relationship is as fragile as it can be. It must be handled with care.
Show her affection, do nice things for her, and take care of her. Watch her reaction. If she feels uncomfortable, ask her to stop. Don”t do this. However, tell her that you want to please her. Don”t pressure her with overly fancy romantic gestures.
Then gradually, perhaps if she is ready, you will come to forgiveness and continue the marriage. Don”t think that everything will be the same. But perhaps this relationship will continue at different levels and in different forms.
See a psychologist
Infidelity is a serious blow to a relationship, so it”s okay to see a couples therapist to help you get through this difficult time.
