Quarrels cannot be reconciled: where to put a comma?
Let me admit, arguing is terrible. Even when the truth is on our side, I do not want to enter into disagreements with loved ones, so as not to create tension. Who wants to argue and cry when they can go on a date or have sex?
Contents of the article:
Often people blame and argue with each other for all mortal sins. If you approach disputes correctly, you can solve many problems, strengthening relationships.
Before you initiate a scandal or get involved in it, you need to get some recommendations from psychologists.
Know what you want
Patrick Banis, an expert on relationship behavior, says there is a serious misconception that the amount of arguing a partner has reflects the quality, health or longevity of the relationship. How a couple discusses and resolves conflicts is much more important than the frequency of their conflicts or the number of arguments they make. Only the wrong wording can make a relationship irreversible.
To reason “correctly” you need to ask yourself the following questions:
- What do you want to get as a result of the dispute/conflict?
- Do you want to express yourself or have a say?
- Do you want to understand your partner’s motives?
- Do you want to change your behavior?
- Do you want sympathy, compassion or an apology?
This should be kept in mind throughout the conflict, not just to spew bullshit and s-shame, but to have a constructive conversation about the incident.
Start the conversation right
Relationship expert Laura Freiden says the beginning of a conflict sets the pace for the entire conversation. If a conversation begins with mutual humiliation and witticisms, then its end will most likely be the same. To achieve the desired result, you need to delicately enter into the conversation, supporting your partner, but gently expressing your point of view.
Friuency cites statistics according to which in 96% of trials the outcome of the dispute is predicted and the beginning is known. For a healthy debate, you need to start an exciting topic, approaching the issue slowly so that the partners do not feel pressured or attacked. Remember: neutrality, impartiality are friends, criticism, slight emptiness, harshness are enemies.
Read also: Features of your partner that should not be tolerated
nobody is perfect. Everyone has their own shortcomings. With us is your other half, the queen of the English language. However, there are disadvantages that cover them.
Make sure you are balanced
Steam shouldn’t come out of your ears just because you’re arguing. It is better not to pout and not start a serious conversation. Conflict involves differences of opinion, but do not enter into a conversation impulsively. It is better to wait for the right moment when you are sure that both partners will not lose control of their emotions.
If anger and an uncontrollable temper arise during an argument, it is recommended to take a break and calm down a little. Drinking and calming down allows you to think more clearly and make better decisions.
An example of a quarrel from the movie “American Divorce”
Choose the right place
Psychologists do not recommend starting a fight at home, especially if the couple regularly quarrels. Every time a person returns home, negative associations with this place constantly pop up in his head. However, I do not want to sully the refuge of love with such thoughts. Leave the house for sex, laughter and warm companionship.
It is advisable to find a neutral area, such as a park, garden or lakeside. However, you should not choose public places – taking out soiled laundry in public is not the best solution to a personal problem.
Listen and hear
Often people want to relieve themselves of this burden by firing off machine-gun bursts of argument and debate. In this case, the language of the other party is not taken into account. The result is a monologue. Family relationship experts emphasize that everyone can be listened to and heard. Show how important it is not only to express your personal opinion, but also to listen to your partner’s reaction to it and to his suggestions.
Don’t hit below the belt
This aspect depends on your emotional state. Expressing to people something you’ve long regretted doesn’t have to be filled with anger. It is tempting to challenge passion with harsh words, uttering humiliating insults. This is done by people who want their partners to understand how unpleasant their partner spoke. However, this is the wrong strategy. If your main intention is revenge, then such a relationship will sooner or later collapse from mutual humiliation.
The next time you want to start a scandal, think about whether you really have a reason for this. Lose the semantic thread of the conversation and do not give in to emotions. The struggle must reach its logical conclusion, and peace will reign. If the confrontation is worse than the first, your behavior will be unconstructive and will gradually destroy the relationship. During the conversation, remember that you love this person. Fighting is just a way to strengthen this love.
